I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we all could use calmer lives.
By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace.
Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace was to finish all the things you have started.
So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished; and before leaving the house this morning I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bottle of Baileys, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, a bar of
Galaxy, the remainder of the Valium prescriptions, the rest of the cheesecake, Doritos and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how good I feel.
Showing posts with label Medical. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Medical. Show all posts
Saturday, October 14, 2006
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Headaches... and second opinions
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!
Amazingly the Joke Mail blog is 1 year old today! As far back as 365 days ago I posted the first joke from the huge pile in my inbox that friends have sent to me over the years (Je-Liebe-You)
Anyway, enough of the sentimentality and on with the laughter...
Headaches... and second opinions
Joe had been having severe headaches for several years and his wife finally convinced him to see a neurologist.
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that, it will require castration.
"You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles, to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked, and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. But he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years,
but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
He walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person.
He could make a new beginning, and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, that's what I need - a new suit.
He entered the shop, and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly, and said, "let's see - size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "that's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years," the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "how about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment, and then said, "sure."
The salesman eyed Joe, and said, "let's see, 34 sleeves, and 16 1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, "that's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
He walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "how about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a moment and said, "sure."
The salesman said, "let's see - size 36."
Joe laughed, "ah ha!! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "you can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion
PRICELESS
Amazingly the Joke Mail blog is 1 year old today! As far back as 365 days ago I posted the first joke from the huge pile in my inbox that friends have sent to me over the years (Je-Liebe-You)
Anyway, enough of the sentimentality and on with the laughter...
Headaches... and second opinions
Joe had been having severe headaches for several years and his wife finally convinced him to see a neurologist.
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that, it will require castration.
"You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles, to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked, and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. But he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years,
but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
He walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person.
He could make a new beginning, and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, that's what I need - a new suit.
He entered the shop, and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly, and said, "let's see - size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "that's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years," the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "how about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment, and then said, "sure."
The salesman eyed Joe, and said, "let's see, 34 sleeves, and 16 1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, "that's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
He walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "how about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a moment and said, "sure."
The salesman said, "let's see - size 36."
Joe laughed, "ah ha!! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "you can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion
PRICELESS
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Sex Life
After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"
"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."
Perplexed, the doctor decides to exam his wife.
After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then asked, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"
"Oh that crazy old fart!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually around July and the second time is usually in December
"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."
Perplexed, the doctor decides to exam his wife.
After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then asked, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"
"Oh that crazy old fart!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually around July and the second time is usually in December
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Will I live to be 80?
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you give a shit?"
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you give a shit?"
Thursday, July 06, 2006
Insensitive?
Women can be so insensitive...
Ed returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Ed asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"
Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please... just one more time before I die?"
She says, "Of course, dear." And they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep.
Ed, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until he's down to only 4 more hours. He taps his wife, and rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours, do you think we could..."?
At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Ed, I have to get up in the morning... You don't."
Ed returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Ed asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"
Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please... just one more time before I die?"
She says, "Of course, dear." And they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep.
Ed, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until he's down to only 4 more hours. He taps his wife, and rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours, do you think we could..."?
At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Ed, I have to get up in the morning... You don't."
Saturday, July 01, 2006
Stress Management Technique
Just in case you're having a rough day, here's a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that it really works.
1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world"!
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.
8. See! You're smiling already.
1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world"!
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.
8. See! You're smiling already.
Monday, June 26, 2006
Mammogram Practice Exercises
First Mammogram Practice Exercises
Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there's no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam, and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared. And you can do this right in your own home!
Exercise 1:
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds (while you hold your breath). Repeat again, in case the first time wasn't effective enough.
Exercise 2:
Visit your garage at 3 am when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.
Exercise 3:
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next week and do it again!!
CONGRATULATIONS!
Now you have nothing at all to worry about when you go for your Mammogram!
And just a thought for all you women out there:
MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause. Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men? And when we have real problems, it's HISterectomy!
P.S. Don't forget the "GUY"necologist!
Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there's no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam, and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared. And you can do this right in your own home!
Exercise 1:
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds (while you hold your breath). Repeat again, in case the first time wasn't effective enough.
Exercise 2:
Visit your garage at 3 am when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.
Exercise 3:
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next week and do it again!!
CONGRATULATIONS!
Now you have nothing at all to worry about when you go for your Mammogram!
And just a thought for all you women out there:
MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause. Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men? And when we have real problems, it's HISterectomy!
P.S. Don't forget the "GUY"necologist!
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Annual Smear
This is a laugh for all those women out there who so look forward to that wonderful time once a year for their annual visit for a smear. In Sydney, Australia, one of the radio stations pays ($1000-$5000) for people to tell their most embarrassing stories. This one netted the winner $5000...
I was due later in the week for an appointment with the gynaecologist. Early one morning I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30 a.m. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already round 8:45 a.m. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.
As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in "that area" to make sure I was at least presentable.
I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" but I didn't respond. When the appointment was over,I heaved a sigh of relief and went home.
The rest of the day was normal... some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc. After school when my six-year-old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mum, where's my washcloth?" I told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink. It has my glitter and sparkles in it.
Oh... my... God!!!
I was due later in the week for an appointment with the gynaecologist. Early one morning I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30 a.m. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already round 8:45 a.m. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.
As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in "that area" to make sure I was at least presentable.
I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" but I didn't respond. When the appointment was over,I heaved a sigh of relief and went home.
The rest of the day was normal... some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc. After school when my six-year-old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mum, where's my washcloth?" I told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink. It has my glitter and sparkles in it.
Oh... my... God!!!
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Why Condoms Come in Different Sized Boxes
A man walks into a Chemists with his 13 year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter of factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."
Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The Dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
Those are for college boys." the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack."
With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March........"
To which the man matter of factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."
Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The Dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
Those are for college boys." the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack."
With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March........"
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
G.A.S.H.
A man returns from a trip to Amsterdam and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a series of tests.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital and the phone by his bed rings.
"This is your doctor," says the voice on the phone. "We have the results back from your tests, and I'm sorry, you have an extremely contagious and deadly sexually transmitted disease known as G.A.S.H.
"G.A.S.H?" replies the patient. "What the hell is that?"
"It's a combination of gonorrhoea, AIDS, syphilis, and herpes," explains the doctor.
"My gosh, Doc!" screams the man in a panic, "what are we going to do?"
"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizza, pancakes and pita bread," says the doctor matter-of-factly.
"Will that cure me?"
"Well no," says the doctor, "but it's the only food that will fit under the door."
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital and the phone by his bed rings.
"This is your doctor," says the voice on the phone. "We have the results back from your tests, and I'm sorry, you have an extremely contagious and deadly sexually transmitted disease known as G.A.S.H.
"G.A.S.H?" replies the patient. "What the hell is that?"
"It's a combination of gonorrhoea, AIDS, syphilis, and herpes," explains the doctor.
"My gosh, Doc!" screams the man in a panic, "what are we going to do?"
"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizza, pancakes and pita bread," says the doctor matter-of-factly.
"Will that cure me?"
"Well no," says the doctor, "but it's the only food that will fit under the door."
Saturday, May 27, 2006
Q & A Session on Health Issues
QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION ON HEALTH ISSUES
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good !
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride"
With thanks to Black Feline for this one
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good !
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride"
With thanks to Black Feline for this one
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Lettuce
Heard about the man who went to the doctor with a bit of lettuce hanging out of his bottom?
The doctor said it was just the tip of the iceberg!
Hey don't blame me - I just post them.
The doctor said it was just the tip of the iceberg!
Hey don't blame me - I just post them.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
locum
There is a company in Sweden called locum, which operates medical wards.They decided to place an ad to celebrate Christmas and the new year.
The copywriter at the ad agency said "Why not replace the 'o' in locum with a heart?". You know, cuddly and all.
See result below.
The coolest thing was the comment from locum's boss when the papersinterviewed him about the mistake. "Ah, well. These things happen. And if it helps to fill our maternity wards we don't mind."
-scroll down-
The copywriter at the ad agency said "Why not replace the 'o' in locum with a heart?". You know, cuddly and all.
See result below.
The coolest thing was the comment from locum's boss when the papersinterviewed him about the mistake. "Ah, well. These things happen. And if it helps to fill our maternity wards we don't mind."
-scroll down-
Sunday, April 30, 2006
Texas Surgeons
Medical Technology and the skill of the Surgeon is amazing....
Three Texas surgeons were arguing as to which had the greatest skill.
The first began: "Three years ago, I reattached sevenfingers on a pianist. He went on to give a recital for the Queen of England."
The second replied: "That's nothing. I attended a man in a car accident. All his arms and legs were severed from his body. Two years after I reattached them, he won three gold medals for field events in the Olympics."
The third said: "A few years back, I attended to a cowboy. He was high on cocaine and alcohol when he rode his horsehead-on into a Santa Fe freight train traveling at 100 miles per hour. All I had to work with was the horse's ass and a ten gallon hat. He went on to become the latest president of the United States."
With thanks to SafeTinspector for this one.
Three Texas surgeons were arguing as to which had the greatest skill.
The first began: "Three years ago, I reattached sevenfingers on a pianist. He went on to give a recital for the Queen of England."
The second replied: "That's nothing. I attended a man in a car accident. All his arms and legs were severed from his body. Two years after I reattached them, he won three gold medals for field events in the Olympics."
The third said: "A few years back, I attended to a cowboy. He was high on cocaine and alcohol when he rode his horsehead-on into a Santa Fe freight train traveling at 100 miles per hour. All I had to work with was the horse's ass and a ten gallon hat. He went on to become the latest president of the United States."
With thanks to SafeTinspector for this one.
Saturday, April 15, 2006
Pregnancy Q & A
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
Thursday, April 13, 2006
You know you're a nurse if...
You know you're a nurse if...
1. You believe every patient needs TLC ... thorazine, Lorazepam and Compazine...
2. You would like to meet the inventor of the call light some night in a dark alley....
3. You believe not all patients are annoying .... some are unconscious.......
4. Your sense of humour gets more "warped" each year....
5. You know the phone number of every late night delivery place by heart.......
6. You can only tell time with a 24 hour clock.....
7. Almost everything can seem humorous...eventually...
8. When asked "What colour is the patient's diarrhoea?" ...you show them your shoes!
9. Every time you walk you make a rattling noise because of all the scissors and clamps in your pockets.........
10. You can tell the pharmacist more about the medicine he is dispensing than he knows...
11. You carry more "spare" meds in your pocket rather than wait for pharmacy to deliver.........
12. You refuse to watch ER because it's too much like the real thing and triggers "flashbacks."
13. You check the caller ID when the phone rings on your day off to see if someone from the hospital is trying to call to ask you to work.
14. You've been telling stories in a restaurant and had someone at another table throw up....
15. You notice that you use more four letter words now than before you became a nurse...
16. Every time someone asks you for a pen, you can find at least three of them on you.
17. You don't get excited about blood unless it's your own...........
18. You live by the motto, " to be right is only half the battle, to convince the physician is more difficult."
19. You've basted your thanksgiving turkey with a Toomey syringe.......
20. You avoid unhealthy looking shoppers in the mall for fear that they'll drop near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off...
21. You've told a confused patient your name was that of your co-worker and to HOLLER if they need help...
22. Eating microwave popcorn out of a clean bedpan is perfectly normal....
23. Your bladder can expand to the size of a Winnebago's water tank......
24. When checking the level of orientation of a patient you aren't sure of the answer...
25. You find yourself checking out other customer's veins in grocery waiting lines...
26. You can sleep soundly at the hospital cafeteria table during dinner break, sitting up and not be embarrassed when you wake up........
27. You've sworn to have "DNR" tattooed on your chest...
1. You believe every patient needs TLC ... thorazine, Lorazepam and Compazine...
2. You would like to meet the inventor of the call light some night in a dark alley....
3. You believe not all patients are annoying .... some are unconscious.......
4. Your sense of humour gets more "warped" each year....
5. You know the phone number of every late night delivery place by heart.......
6. You can only tell time with a 24 hour clock.....
7. Almost everything can seem humorous...eventually...
8. When asked "What colour is the patient's diarrhoea?" ...you show them your shoes!
9. Every time you walk you make a rattling noise because of all the scissors and clamps in your pockets.........
10. You can tell the pharmacist more about the medicine he is dispensing than he knows...
11. You carry more "spare" meds in your pocket rather than wait for pharmacy to deliver.........
12. You refuse to watch ER because it's too much like the real thing and triggers "flashbacks."
13. You check the caller ID when the phone rings on your day off to see if someone from the hospital is trying to call to ask you to work.
14. You've been telling stories in a restaurant and had someone at another table throw up....
15. You notice that you use more four letter words now than before you became a nurse...
16. Every time someone asks you for a pen, you can find at least three of them on you.
17. You don't get excited about blood unless it's your own...........
18. You live by the motto, " to be right is only half the battle, to convince the physician is more difficult."
19. You've basted your thanksgiving turkey with a Toomey syringe.......
20. You avoid unhealthy looking shoppers in the mall for fear that they'll drop near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off...
21. You've told a confused patient your name was that of your co-worker and to HOLLER if they need help...
22. Eating microwave popcorn out of a clean bedpan is perfectly normal....
23. Your bladder can expand to the size of a Winnebago's water tank......
24. When checking the level of orientation of a patient you aren't sure of the answer...
25. You find yourself checking out other customer's veins in grocery waiting lines...
26. You can sleep soundly at the hospital cafeteria table during dinner break, sitting up and not be embarrassed when you wake up........
27. You've sworn to have "DNR" tattooed on your chest...
Monday, April 10, 2006
Pharmacy
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers "Yes".
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? "
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to register our gifts for the wedding list in your shop "
The pharmacist answers "Yes".
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? "
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to register our gifts for the wedding list in your shop "
Monday, March 20, 2006
Hospital Charts
Apparently these are actual writings on hospital charts...
1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
Sunday, March 19, 2006
Help is at hand
A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a penny.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the penny and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replies… "Divorce Lawyer."
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the penny and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replies… "Divorce Lawyer."
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