50 dollars is 50 dollars

Morris and his wife Esther went to the State Fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is $50, and $50 is $50".

One year Esther and Morris went to the Fair and Morris said "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

Esther replied "Morris, that helicopter is $50 dollars, and $50 dollars is $50 dollars."

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal."

"I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you. But if you say one word, it's $50 dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't, I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, I was going to say something when Esther fell out, but... $50 dollars is $50 dollars."

Don't Mess With Old Ladies

An old lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Old Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Old Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Old Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Old Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Old Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Old Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Old Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Old Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Old woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Old Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Old Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Old Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Nursing Home Police

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home,taking corners on one wheel, and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the men actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when Fast Eddie outstretched his hand.

"STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit-Kat wrapper, and held it up to him.

"OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP!" "Have you got proof of insurance?"

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it up to him.

Harold nodded, and said "Carry on, ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, with a very sizable erection.

"Oh, good grief," cried Ethel, "Not the Breathalyser again!"

Biker Couple

There was this Biker Couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the Old Biker always insisted on shutting off the lights.

Well, after 20 years his Ol' Lady felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down ... and saw her husband was holding a battery operated pleasure device ... a vibrator ... soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She goes completely ballistic. "You impotent fake," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The Old Biker looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy, if you explain the kids."

A Touching Story of Love

I found this to be a very touching story about the love shared by an elderly couple as they were preparing for his death. If this story does not touch your heart and make you appreciate all that you and your mate have gone through over the years, nothing will.

Perhaps love does conquer all...

**********

An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of mpending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom,and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite anisette sprinkle cookies.

Was it heaven?

Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted,the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife...

"Back off!" she said, "They're for the funeral."

Senior Moments - part 2

Senior Moments - part 1

Signs of Wear

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love" and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means there's no need to take any fibre today.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee

Top 10 Party Games for People Over 50

1. Sag! You're It!

2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy

3. 20 Questions Shouted in Your Good Ear

4. Kick the Bucket

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over

6. Doc, Doc, Goose

7. Simon Says Something Incoherent

8. Musical Recliners

9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta

10. Hide and Go Pee!

Grandpa

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big tits."

We are not young

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me."

"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.

She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?

---

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.

She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

---

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

---

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

---

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

---

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"

"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week "

---

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

---

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

---

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

---

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

---

Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.

---

THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Sex Life

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

Perplexed, the doctor decides to exam his wife.

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then asked, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old fart!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually around July and the second time is usually in December

Elderly activities

CONFESSION

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm telling everybody."

********************

BROTHEL TRIP


An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

"I'm 90 years old," he says.

"90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"

"Oh, sorry," says the old man. "How much do I owe you?"

********************

SENILITY


An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile.
Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."

"That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down."

Things to look forward to...

DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER

87 year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."


SENILE

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know..I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then, she yells, "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."


DOWN AT THE NURSING HOME

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex!" She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex!"

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup..."

Where's the money going?

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagara than Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection what to do with them.

You're never too old...

Helping an old lady

A little old lady with blue hair entered the sex aids shop and asked in a quavering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-l d-dildos hhere?

"The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance inhis shop, answered, "Uh, yes ma'am. We do."

The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apartasked "D-do y-you ha-ave an-ny ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?"

"Well, yes ma-am, we do. We have several that size."

Forming a 5 inch circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny oft-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?"

"Well.... yes ma'am, a few of them are about that big."

"D-do aa-ny of t-them ha-ave a v-v-vibra-a-ator?"

"Yes ma'am, one of them does."

"W-w-ell, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?"

A.A.A.D.D.

This is the story of my life.

I have recently been diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder...

This is how it goes:

I decide to wash the car; I start toward the garage and notice the mail on the table. OK, I'm going to wash the car. But first I'm going to go through the mail. I lay the car keys down on the desk, discard the junk mail and notice the trash can is full.

OK, I'll just put the bills on my desk and take the trash can out, but since I'm going to be near the mailbox anyway, I'll pay these few bills first. Now, where is my checkbook? Shoot, there's only one check left! My extra checks are in my desk. Oh, there's the Coke I was drinking. I'm going to look for those checks. But first I need to put my Coke further away from the computer, or maybe I'll pop it into the fridge to keep it cold for awhile.

I head towards the kitchen and my flowers catch my eye, they need some water. I set the Coke on the counter and there are my glasses. I was looking for them all morning! I'd better put them away first.

I fill a container with water and head for the flower pots. Someone left the TV remote in the kitchen. We will never think to look in the kitchen tonight when we want to watch television. Better put it back in the family roomwhere it belongs.

I splash some water into the pots and onto the floor. I throw the remote back onto a soft cushion on the sofa and I head back down the hall trying to figure out what it was I was going to do?

End of the Day:

The car isn't washed, the bills are unpaid, the Coke is sitting on the kitchen counter, the flowers are half watered, the checkbook still only has one check in it and I can't seem to find my car keys! When I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because - I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY LONG!

I realize this is a serious condition and I'll get help, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Harassed

On a senior citizen bus tour, the driver was surprised. While the passengers were unloading, to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in his ear, "Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!"

The driver didn't think much of this complaint, but promised he would check into it soon.

Later, that very same day, as the passengers were unloading again, a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his ear, "Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!"

This time, he knew it had to be taken care of soon. A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go back and question them, to see if they had any knowledge of what was going on.

He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor underneath the seats and stooped down to question him. "Excuse me, sir, could I help you?"

The elderly man looked up and said, "Well, sonny, you sure can. I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it. I thought I'd located it twice, but they were parted in the middle, and mine's parted on the side!"

Yes, I'm a Senior Citizen

I'm the life of the party...even if it lasts until 8 p.m.

I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.

I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.

I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.

I'm very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over...

I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as cute as mine.

I'm so cared for -- long term care, eye care, private care, dental care.

I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, politicians.

I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place. I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my right leg.

I'm having trouble remembering simple words like...

I'm realizing that aging is not for wimps.

I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days, and when did they let kids become policemen.

I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?

I'm a walking storeroom of facts.....

I've just lost the key to the storeroom door.

Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!

Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, I would send it to many more!

Have I already sent this to you?