Inner Peace

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we all could use calmer lives.

By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace was to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished; and before leaving the house this morning I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bottle of Baileys, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, a bar of
Galaxy, the remainder of the Valium prescriptions, the rest of the cheesecake, Doritos and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how good I feel.

Spoon

A man and his wife were in a fancy resturant. While ordering, they noticed that the waiter had a spoon in his shirt pocket, and after looking around, they observed the other waiters and busboys each had a similar spoon. So the husband says, "what's with the spoon?"

The waiter said, "well, we had this company come in and evaluate our time management and they found that people drop their spoon 74.8% more often than any other utensil. So if we carry one with us, we can reduce the trips back to the kitchen by 3 hours per shift.

The husband was impressed. Sure enough, he dropped his spoon during dinner and the waiter replaced it with his, stating, "I'll just get another when I go to the kitchen for something else".

While ordering dessert, the husband noted that the waiter had a very thin string hanging from the fly of his pants, as did the other waiters, so the husband asks, "hey, there's a string on your pants".

The waiter tells him, "not all my customers are as observant as you... the same company found that we can reduce the amount of time spent in the bathroom by 2 hours each shift if we tie a string around the end of you-know-what, and when we have to go we just unzip and pull it out with the string completely eliminating the need to wash up and saving time."

The husband was impressed, but asked, "it's a good idea but how do you get it back in your pants?".

The waiter leaned close and whispered, " well I don't know about the rest of them, but personally I use the spoon."

With thanks to /77!cH3//3 for this one

Sex Vs Dancing

A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding, meets with their rabbi for counseling.

The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man asks,"Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together."

"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always
dance separately."

"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"

"No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden."

"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"

"Of course!" replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah within marriage, to have children!"

"What about different positions?" asks the man.

"No problem," says the rabbi. "It's a mitzvah!"

"Woman on top?" the man asks.

"Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"

"On the kitchen table?"

"Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"

"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"

"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"

"Can we do it standing up?"

"NO, NO, NO!" cries the rabbi.

"Why not?" asks the man.

"Could lead to dancing."

The Usual Day

Wake up,
Nokia, Colgate, Nescafe, Kraft, Orbit.
Renault, Compaq, Epson, Nokia, Nokia, Nokia.
McDonalds, Coca-Cola, Orbit.
Compaq, Epson, Nokia, Nokia, Nokia. Renault.
Carlsberg.
Carlsberg-Carlsberg-Carlsberg-Carlsberg.
Nokia... Nokia.
Durex.
Colgate.
Day is over

Random Q & A

Q) What's the best form of birth control after 50?
(A) Nudity

(Q) What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
(A) 45 lbs

(Q) What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
(A) 45 minutes

(Q) What's the fastest way to a man's heart?"
(A) Through his chest with a sharp knife.

(Q) What do you call a smart blonde?
(A) A golden retriever

(Q) Why did OJ Simpson move to W. Virginia?
(A) Everyone has the same DNA.

(Q) What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
(A) A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the
cage along with a recipe.

(Q) What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
(A) A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time". A southern fairytale begins
"Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.

Another Male Survey

A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night:

5% said it was to get a glass of water

12% said it was to go to the toilet

83% said it was to go home