Saturday, February 18, 2006

One Considerate Husband

It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell. Let me relate how I handle the situation.

When I chucked my job and took early retirement a year ago, it became necessary for Nancy to get a full-time job both for extra income and for health insurance benefits that we need. She was a trained lab tech when we met thirty some years ago and was fortunate to land a job at the local medical center as a phlebotomist.

It was shortly after she started working at this job that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper. I try not to yell at her when this happens. Instead, I tell her to take her time. I understand that she is not as young as she used to be. I just tell her to wake me when she finally does get supper on the table.

She used to wash and dry the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed.

Our washer and dryer are in the basement. When she was younger, Nancy used to be able to go up and down the stairs all day and not get tired. Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening I am willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday's lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming, or dusting.

Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace. Nancy is starting to complain a little occasionally. Not often, mind you, but just enough for me to notice. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush
so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I mean.

When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods than she used to have to take. A couple of weeks ago she said she had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I overlook comments like these because I realize it's just age talking. In fact, I try to not embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.

I could go on and on, but I think you know where I'm coming from. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Nancy on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older. My purpose in writing this is simply to suggest that you make the effort. I realize that achieving the exemplary level of showing consideration I have attained is out of reach for the average man. However guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I'll consider it all worth while.


Dear Mom
Sorry I have not written for such a long time, but I thought now that I do have one evening to myself I would write to you and tell you how happy I am with my life. Mom, to say that my life is the best it has been for ages would be an understatement! I feel I must tell you how this has come about. Since Chuck gave up his job and took early retirement, life really got moving for me. I am now head of the medical centre with wonderful benefits, free health insurance for me, but alas none for the spouse. ( I have not told Chuck this, I guess his payout he got when he took early retirement will pay for him)

The hours are good, long working breakfasts and lunches with clients do tend to take a good bite out of my working day, so much so, that when I get home after work I really don't feel like turning around and cooking for Chuck, so I take myself off for a half hour soak in the bath... I have a standing order with the local deli, restaurant and takeaway ..I wake Chuck when its ready for him to eat. I know it really bugs him when I leave the dishes on the table, I leave them as long as I dare, just to see how agitated he can get...I stack them in my new dishwasher (another of my new purchases)

Yes Mom, I now have a new dishwasher in the basement...I know Chuck would never venture down there so have made a few other changes...I now pay for a laundry service, I never knew these existed until I was talking to the girls at work. It really is quite easy. I bag them up a couple or three times a week, they are collected from the basement and delivered washed, dried, ironed and starched..I ask then to put extra starch in Chucks underpants, I feel that is the least I could do.

The other odd jobs around the house are done by this wonderful servicing team, I am sure they would have a local branch round your neck of the woods. They are wonderful, they do everything, even walk and bath the dog. Chuck does go out fishing plenty, his catch is so small, I must admit I tend throw out his "catch" and call up the local fish market to deliver....he seems not to notice....and I think it pleases him.

Mom. As I said, I have plenty meetings with clients...the best are those around lunch time...Yesterday we ate at the new Wine Bar on 5th Avenue. Oh that reminds me, I really must chase my financial adviser to see if my stocks are still growing and check that all the monthly bills get paid from the interest made from my successes of last month.

Being "a 'working' lady that lunches" does have it draw backs, I am tending to put on a bit of weight.. and retaining a bit of fluid. I have been to see ike, he is the new young doctor at the centre and he has given me a course of new pills to remove the fluids. As you can imagine, it does make me want to pass water quite often. Only a couple of weeks ago I was mowing the grass to get a bit of exercise and was taken short. So had to dash into the garage and pee in an old lemonade bottle. Typing this has reminded me that I have not emptied the contents as yet.

Well Mom I must say cheerio, on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays I go out clubbing with the girls and Thursdays and Tuesdays is serious shopping at the designer village...

Take care, I will phone you next week just before I go to Paris with Mike.

Love Nancy.

Friday, February 17, 2006


On a senior citizen bus tour, the driver was surprised. While the passengers were unloading, to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in his ear, "Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!"

The driver didn't think much of this complaint, but promised he would check into it soon.

Later, that very same day, as the passengers were unloading again, a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his ear, "Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!"

This time, he knew it had to be taken care of soon. A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go back and question them, to see if they had any knowledge of what was going on.

He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor underneath the seats and stooped down to question him. "Excuse me, sir, could I help you?"

The elderly man looked up and said, "Well, sonny, you sure can. I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it. I thought I'd located it twice, but they were parted in the middle, and mine's parted on the side!"

Thursday, February 16, 2006

For El Barbudo, Kim, SafeTinspector and other bearded folk

A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet, rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," the man replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him" she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him," she whispers "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the lady's room"

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

T Shirt Slogans

These were observed written on T-Shirts....

1) The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

3) I Work Hard because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9) Earth ... is the insane asylum for the universe.

10) To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.

11) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

13) I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.

14) If you can read this, the bitch fell off (back of a biker's shirt).

15) God must love stupid people, he made so many of them.

16) The gene pool could use a little chlorine, or being drained.

17) It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.

18) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

19) Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

20) Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

21) Beer ~ The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon!

22) I Must Be a Proctologist because I work with Butt Heads!

23) "That's It! I'm Calling Granma!" (seen on an 8-year old)

24) "Wrinkled.... Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"

25) "Procrastinate..... Now"

26) "Rehab..... is for Quitters"

27) "My Dog....Can Lick Anyone, but are you clean enough?"

28) "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?"

29) "Party - My Crib - Two A.M." (On a baby-size shirt)

30) "Finally 21, and Legally Able to do Everything I've been doing since I was 15"

31) "Arkansas: One Million People and 15 last names"

32) "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software."


34) "A hangover is the wrath of grapes, reality is a lack of alcohol."

35) "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance."

36) "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"

37) "DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music."

38) "They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken."

39) "He who dies with the most toys is none-the-less dead."

40) "Time is fun when you're having flies"...Kermit the Frog.

41) "POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN .... Cops have nothing to go on."

42) "FOR SALE - Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once."


44) "HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig."

45) "WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years."

46) "The trouble with life is there's no background music."

47) "The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson."

48) "MOP AND GLOW - The Floor Wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team."

49) "NyQuil- The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room spinning medicine."

50) "My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't!

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Young Love on Valentine's Day

Johnny and Susie are only 10 years old, but they just know they are in love. On Valentine's Day they decide they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Susie's father to ask him for her hand.

"Mr. Smith," says Johnny, "me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking this was the cutest thing, Mr.Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

"In Susie's room," replies Johnny. "It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then, how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susie."

"Our allowance..." replies Johnny. "Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to.

"Johnny," he finally says, "it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

"Well," Johnny shrugs his shoulders, "so far we've been lucky."

Monday, February 13, 2006


There was a man who had worked all of his life, and had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me, because I want to take all my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"

She had a box with her. She came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then, the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

She said, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going put all that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put all that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did," said the widow. "I wrote him a check"

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Quotes for the Day

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams.

"When I die, I want to die like my grandmother who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car."
Author Unknown.

"It's so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers.

"If it wasn't for pick-pockets and frisking at airports I'd have no sex life at all."
Rodney Dangerfield.

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy."
Steve Martin.

"My girlfriend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said,'that's a big word for a girl of fifteen'."
Emo Philips.

"My wife is a sex object. Everytime I ask for sex, she objects."
Les Dawson.

"I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own."
Woody Allen.

"My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty."
Woody Allen.

"I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic."
Woody Allen.

"There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz 380L convertible."

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
Emo Philips.

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
Steven Seagal.

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams.

"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?
Marilyn Pittman.

"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
Johnny Carson.

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
Paul Rodriguez.

"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law."
Jerry Seinfeld.

"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde.

"Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children".
A Mum.

In an interview, General Norman Schwartzkopf was asked if he didn't think there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harboured and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America. His answer was a classic; Schwartzkopf said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function. Our job is simply to arrange the meeting."