As I've Matured...

As I've Matured...

I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.

I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.

I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in...

I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it

I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the ass are permanent.

Strange and Funny Signs...

On a Septic Tank Truck sign:"We're #1 in the #2 business."

Sign over a Gynaecologist's Office:"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

At a Proctologist's door:"To expedite your visit please back in."

On a Plumbers truck:"We repair what your husband fixed."

On a Plumbers truck:"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza Shop Slogan:"Seven days without pizza makes one weak."

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

At a Towing company:"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an Electrician's truck:"Let us remove your shorts."

In a Non-smoking Area:"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a Maternity Room door:"Push. Push. Push."

At an Optometrist's office:"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Taxidermist's window:"We really know our stuff."

In a Podiatrist's office:"Time wounds all heels."

On a Fence:"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

At a Car Dealership:"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop:"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:"Be back in five minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the Electric Company:"We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Restaurant window:"Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

At a Propane Filling Station:"Tank heaven for little grills."

Gifts of Success

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said: "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said: "I had a hundred thousand pound theatre built in the house"

The third said: "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600."

The fourth said: "Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read it anymore because she can't see very well. I met this priest who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty priests 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute £100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mum sent out her thank you notes.

She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you give me an expensive theatre with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious - thank you."

Crime Prevention T-Shirt

Insights

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday... around age 11.

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Best company name ever