A couple was invited to a swanky masked Christmas Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Jack, Pete and some of the other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"
Showing posts with label Battle of the Sexes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Battle of the Sexes. Show all posts
Saturday, December 23, 2006
Friday, December 15, 2006
Why only women's letters to Dear Abby are printed
Dear Abby,
I've never written to you before, but I really need advice.
I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, and when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."
I stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, it seems she has gotten out of a car round the corner. Maybe she wasn't in a taxi?
Deep down I probably don't want to know the truth, but last night when she went out I decided to really check on her.
I parked my Holden next to the garage and then hid behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home.
It was at that moment, crouching behind my Holden, that I noticed that from the engine it was leaking a little oil.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?
Thanks,
Bob
I've never written to you before, but I really need advice.
I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, and when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."
I stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, it seems she has gotten out of a car round the corner. Maybe she wasn't in a taxi?
Deep down I probably don't want to know the truth, but last night when she went out I decided to really check on her.
I parked my Holden next to the garage and then hid behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home.
It was at that moment, crouching behind my Holden, that I noticed that from the engine it was leaking a little oil.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?
Thanks,
Bob
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
To Be Frank...
A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Frank every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special"
Cabbie: "There's more - He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out."
Passenger. "Wow, some bloke then"
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them."
"Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around."
Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."
Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"
Cabbie: "I married his bloody widow."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Frank every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special"
Cabbie: "There's more - He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out."
Passenger. "Wow, some bloke then"
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them."
"Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around."
Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."
Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"
Cabbie: "I married his bloody widow."
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Marriage counsellor
The husband and wife go to a counsellor after 15 years of marriage.
The counsellor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on. Finally, the counsellor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.
The counsellor turns to the husband and says "that is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"
The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I'm fishing."
The counsellor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on. Finally, the counsellor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.
The counsellor turns to the husband and says "that is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"
The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I'm fishing."
Thursday, November 23, 2006
The 10 Commandments of Marriage
Commandment 1.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2.
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3.
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Commandment 4.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9.
Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry.
That is why a wife treats a husband like toxic waste.
Commandment 10.
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished..
Bonus Commandment story:
A long married couple came upon a wishing well.
The wife leaned over, made a wish, and threw in a penny.
The husband decided to make a wish, too.
But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled.
With thanks to Cappy for this one.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2.
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3.
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Commandment 4.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9.
Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry.
That is why a wife treats a husband like toxic waste.
Commandment 10.
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished..
Bonus Commandment story:
A long married couple came upon a wishing well.
The wife leaned over, made a wish, and threw in a penny.
The husband decided to make a wish, too.
But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled.
With thanks to Cappy for this one.
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
A sensitive man?
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves on one of the bedroom walls, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall.
She's immediately touched by the amount of thought he's put into organizing the display. There are small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She finds it strange for a young man to have such a large collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
All the while she's thinking to herself ... This is wonderful! Maybe this guy could be the one! Maybe he could father my children!...etc.
She turns to him...they kiss.. and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, strokes his chest and asks coyly, ............
"Well, how was it?"
The guy says: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves on one of the bedroom walls, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall.
She's immediately touched by the amount of thought he's put into organizing the display. There are small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She finds it strange for a young man to have such a large collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
All the while she's thinking to herself ... This is wonderful! Maybe this guy could be the one! Maybe he could father my children!...etc.
She turns to him...they kiss.. and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, strokes his chest and asks coyly, ............
"Well, how was it?"
The guy says: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
Saturday, November 04, 2006
Man of the Year Awards
Man of the Year Awards
3rd place goes to...
Albania
2nd place goes to...
Serbia
And the winner of the man of the year is...
Ireland
3rd place goes to...
Albania
2nd place goes to...
Serbia
And the winner of the man of the year is...
Ireland
Friday, October 27, 2006
Married life...
A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, They were both very tired and fell asleep quickly - he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.
Sunday, October 08, 2006
Another Male Survey
A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night:
5% said it was to get a glass of water
12% said it was to go to the toilet
83% said it was to go home
5% said it was to get a glass of water
12% said it was to go to the toilet
83% said it was to go home
Saturday, October 07, 2006
Male Sex Study
A recent study found out which days men prefer to have sex.
It was found that men preferred to engage in sexual activity on the days that started with the letter "T".
Examples of those days are as follows:
Tuesday
Thursday
Thanksgiving
Today
Tomorrow
Thaturday
Thunday
It was found that men preferred to engage in sexual activity on the days that started with the letter "T".
Examples of those days are as follows:
Tuesday
Thursday
Thanksgiving
Today
Tomorrow
Thaturday
Thunday
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Biker Couple
There was this Biker Couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the Old Biker always insisted on shutting off the lights.
Well, after 20 years his Ol' Lady felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down ... and saw her husband was holding a battery operated pleasure device ... a vibrator ... soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She goes completely ballistic. "You impotent fake," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The Old Biker looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy, if you explain the kids."
Every time they made love the Old Biker always insisted on shutting off the lights.
Well, after 20 years his Ol' Lady felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down ... and saw her husband was holding a battery operated pleasure device ... a vibrator ... soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She goes completely ballistic. "You impotent fake," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The Old Biker looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy, if you explain the kids."
Friday, September 15, 2006
Sunday, September 10, 2006
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Saturday, August 26, 2006
My Girlfriend's Friend
I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, indeed, and that was my girlfriend's friend. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, and who sometimes flirted with me, which made me feel uncomfortable.
One day, she invited me to come over to discuss something about the wedding. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me that soon I would be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't suppress. So before I got married and committed my life to her best friend, she wanted to make love to me just once.
What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. So, she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me.
In great anticipation I just watched her delicious body as she moved slowly up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door. I opened it, and stepped out of the house.
To my surprise, my girlfriend was standing outside. And with tears in her eyes, she hugged me and said, "I am so in love with you! You have passed my little test. I couldn't ask for a better man to marry."
MORAL OF THE STORY:
ALWAYS KEEP YOUR CONDOMS IN THE CAR
There was only one thing bothering me, indeed, and that was my girlfriend's friend. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, and who sometimes flirted with me, which made me feel uncomfortable.
One day, she invited me to come over to discuss something about the wedding. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me that soon I would be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't suppress. So before I got married and committed my life to her best friend, she wanted to make love to me just once.
What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. So, she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me.
In great anticipation I just watched her delicious body as she moved slowly up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door. I opened it, and stepped out of the house.
To my surprise, my girlfriend was standing outside. And with tears in her eyes, she hugged me and said, "I am so in love with you! You have passed my little test. I couldn't ask for a better man to marry."
MORAL OF THE STORY:
ALWAYS KEEP YOUR CONDOMS IN THE CAR
Monday, August 14, 2006
Classes for men!
NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!!! ALL ARE WELCOME OPEN TO MEN ONLY
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each. Sign up early and get a discount on registration.
The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:
DAY ONE
HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS- Step by step guide with slide presentation
TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?- Roundtable discussion
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR - Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)
DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?- Debate among a panel of experts.
LOSS OF VIRILITY: - Losing the remote control to your significant other - Help line and support groups
LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS -starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming - Open forum
DAY TWO
EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?- Group discussion and role play
HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH- PowerPoint presentation
REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST- Real life testimonial from the one man who did.
IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS? - Driving simulation
LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER- Online class and role playing
HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION- Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques
REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE- Bring your calendar or PDA to class
GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME- Individual counsellors available
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each. Sign up early and get a discount on registration.
The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:
DAY ONE
HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS- Step by step guide with slide presentation
TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?- Roundtable discussion
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR - Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)
DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?- Debate among a panel of experts.
LOSS OF VIRILITY: - Losing the remote control to your significant other - Help line and support groups
LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS -starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming - Open forum
DAY TWO
EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?- Group discussion and role play
HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH- PowerPoint presentation
REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST- Real life testimonial from the one man who did.
IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS? - Driving simulation
LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER- Online class and role playing
HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION- Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques
REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE- Bring your calendar or PDA to class
GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME- Individual counsellors available
Saturday, August 05, 2006
Jokes About Sex
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." - Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." - Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL." - Lynn Lavner
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." - Camille Paglia
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant." - George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." - Sharon Stone
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." - Tiger Woods
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." - Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." - Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." - Robin Williams
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." - Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." - Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" - Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'." - Jerry Seinfeld
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis,
and only enough blood to run one at a time." - Robin Williams
"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom." - Joan Rivers
"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy." - Steve Martin
"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life." - Elmo Phillips
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." - Oscar Wilde
"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." - George Burns
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." - Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL." - Lynn Lavner
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." - Camille Paglia
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant." - George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." - Sharon Stone
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." - Tiger Woods
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." - Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." - Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." - Robin Williams
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." - Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." - Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" - Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'." - Jerry Seinfeld
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis,
and only enough blood to run one at a time." - Robin Williams
"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom." - Joan Rivers
"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy." - Steve Martin
"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life." - Elmo Phillips
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." - Oscar Wilde
"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." - George Burns
Friday, August 04, 2006
The Picture on the Nightstand
After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery."
"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery."
Monday, July 31, 2006
It's a Woman Thing...
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ... so does she." (Of course . . . I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
WHO DOES WHAT?
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .........."HEBREWS"
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ... so does she." (Of course . . . I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
WHO DOES WHAT?
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .........."HEBREWS"
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