Church Requirements

A young newly wed couple wanted to join a church.

The reverend told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."

The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously very depressed.

"You are back so soon... Is there a problem?" the Reverend inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month...." the young man replied sadly.

The Reverend asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult.... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower.

The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain."

"However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible.... anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts.

One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there." admitted the man shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the Reverend.

"We know," said the young man, hanging his head.

"We're not welcome at Homebase either."

Bullet

A woman, pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber runs out of a bank and shoots her three times in the abdomen. Luckily the babies were okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate.

She gives birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

They were fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asks the mother.

"I was urinating and this bullet came out," she replied. The mother tells her
it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was urinating and this bullet came out." Again the mother tells her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay," says the Mom, "I know what happened...you were urinating and a bullet came out."

"No," says the boy, "I was masturbating and I shot the dog!"

Love

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours.

If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.

But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free...

You either married it or gave birth to it.

Warning

At Heathrow Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator.

Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

Lettuce

Heard about the man who went to the doctor with a bit of lettuce hanging out of his bottom?

The doctor said it was just the tip of the iceberg!



Hey don't blame me - I just post them.

New Virus

There is a new virus: code name is "work". If you receive "work", from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail or any where else, do not touch "work" under any circumstances!!

This virus wipes out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with this virus, put on your jacket and take two good friends and go straight to the nearest pub. Order three beers and after repeating 14 times, you will find that "work" has been completely deleted from your brain.

Warning - side affects of the removal tool include fun,beer goggles and drunken sex (but only in the early stages of removal!!)

Forward this warning immediately to at least 5 friends.

Should you realise that you do not have 5 friends, this means that you are already infected by this virus and" work" already controls your whole life.

This virus is deadly. Please pay close attention to it and take heed.

A Bull Story

A man takes his wife to the live stock show. They start heading down the alley that houses all the bulls.The sign on the first bulls stall states:

"This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, isn't that nice!"

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year."

The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year, that is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!"

They proceed to the last bull and his sign says: "This bull mated 365 times last year."

The wifes mouth drops open and says, "WOW He mated 365 times last year, that is ONCE A DAY!!!!!! You could really learn from this one."

The fed up man turns to his wife and says "Go up and inquire if he had to do it with the same cow every day."