K-9 Unit

The Baltimore Police Department, famous for its superior K-9 unit, was somewhat taken back by this recent incident.

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the woman ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps put her face in her hands and moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

What Mommy Calls Daddy

The day care teacher holds up a picture and asks, "What's this?"

"A horsey," one child answers.

"And this?" the teacher asks.

"A piggy," replies another youngster.

"And now this one?" asks the teacher, holding up a picture of a male deer with a beautiful rack of antlers.

There was no answer, only total silence.

"Come now, children," she coaxes, "I'll give you a little hint. What does your Mommy call your Daddy when he hugs and kisses her a lot?"

"I know! I know!!" exclaims one little girl. "It's a horny bastard!"

Yes, I'm a Senior Citizen

I'm the life of the party...even if it lasts until 8 p.m.

I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.

I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.

I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.

I'm very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over...

I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as cute as mine.

I'm so cared for -- long term care, eye care, private care, dental care.

I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, politicians.

I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place. I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my right leg.

I'm having trouble remembering simple words like...

I'm realizing that aging is not for wimps.

I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days, and when did they let kids become policemen.

I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?

I'm a walking storeroom of facts.....

I've just lost the key to the storeroom door.

Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!

Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, I would send it to many more!

Have I already sent this to you?

Cardiologist's Funeral

A well known cardiologist died, and an elaborate funeral was planned. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point one of the mourners burst into laughter. When confronted, he said, " I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.......I'm a gynecologist."

Radio Caller

A Cork radio station was running a competition - words that weren't in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali

DJ: "96FM here, what's your name?"
CALLER: "Hi, me name's Dave."
DJ: "Dave, what's your word?"
CALLER: "Goan... spelt G-A-O-N, pronounced 'go-an'."
DJ: "...You are correct, Dave, 'goan' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"
CALLER: "Goan f**k yourself!"

The DJ cut the caller short and took other calls, unsuccessful until:

DJ: "96FM here, what's your name?"
CALLER: "Hi, me name's Jeff."
DJ: "Jeff, what's your word?"
CALLER: "Smee... spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee'."
DJ: "...You are correct, Jeff, 'smee' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"
CALLER: "Smee again! Goan f**k yourself!"

Martian Sex

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do."

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.

Why?" he asks. "What's the matter?"

Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"

No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long."Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it is still narrow."

"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful." "How about you?"

"It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears the entire time."

Airline Comedians

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 3 ways out of this airplane."

"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child...pick your favorite."

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children...or other adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault...it was the asphalt!"

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am,"said the pilot. "What
is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement lover the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said: "Ladies and gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger remarked, " The captain should see the back of my pants."