Real Star Signs

Another one from Safetinspector's collection, although I might have thought it came from El Barbudo...


Aries Mar.21-Apr.19
You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence in your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.

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Taurus Apr.20-May 20
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. You are nothing but a god-damned communist.

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Gemini May 21-June 20
You are quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bi-sexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Gemini's are notorious for incest.

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Cancer June 21-July 22
You are sympathetic and understanding to others people's problems, which make you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth shit. Everybody in prison is a Cancer.

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Leo July 23-Aug.22
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leo's are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving mother-fuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.

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Virgo Aug.23-Sept.22
You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgo makes good bus drivers and pimps.

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Libra Sept.23-Oct.21
You are the artistic type and have difficult time dealing with reality. If you are a male, you are probably a queer. Changes for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libra's die of venereal disease.

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Scorpio Oct.22-Nov.21
The worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpio's are murdered.

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Sagittarius Nov.22-Dec.21
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarius are drunks. You are a worthless piece of shit.

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Capricorn Dec.22-Jan.19
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chicken shit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should stay home, out of the way of everybody else.

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Aquarius Jan.20-Feb.18
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.

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Pisces Feb.19-Mar.20
You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient and scornful advice. You do nothing but piss off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

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Astrological light-bulb changing

How many members of your star sign does it take to change a light bulb?

ARIES: Just one. You want to make something of it?

TAURUS: One, but just try to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

GEMINI: Two, but the job never gets done -- they just keep discussing who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!

CANCER: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grieving process.

LEO: Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out.

VIRGO: Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- one millionth.

LIBRA: Er, two. Or maybe one. No, on second thought, make that two. Is that okay with you?

SCORPIO: That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.

SAGITTARIUS: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

CAPRICORN: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.

AQUARIUS: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so....

PISCES: Light bulb? What light bulb?