Things I've learned from my children

For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, TX (poor woman)


1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20X20 foot room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'Uh-oh', it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.

11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they
do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens. (Neither do cats!)

20. The fire department in Austin has a 5 minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. It
will however make cats dizzy and cats throw up twice their body weight when
dizzy.

Healthy Fish

(If you're struggling to read it, click on the image for a larger one)

Fair Working Rights for the Penis

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor

I work at great depths

I work head first

I do not get weekends off or public holidays

I work in a damp environment

I don't get paid overtime or shift penalties

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation

I work in high temperatures

My work exposes me to contagious diseases


Response from the administration:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight, who you kiddin!

You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods

You do not always follow the orders of the management team

You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas

You take a lot of non-rostered breaks

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift

You don't always observe measures, such as wearing the correct protective outfits

You don't wait till pension age before retiring

You don't like working double shifts

You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the work place carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.

Stating The Obvious

Fish Bungee

Drug Dealers Vs Software Developers

Drug Dealers: Refer to their clients as "users"
Software Developers: Refer to their clients as "users".

Drug Dealers: "The first one's free!"
Software Developers: "Download a free trial version..."

Drug Dealers: Have important South-East Asian connections (to help move the stuff).
Software Developers: Have important South-East Asian connections (to help debug the code).

Drug Dealers: Strange jargon:
"Stick"
"Rock"
"Wrap"
"E"
"Stash"
"Drive by"
"Hit (LSD)"
"Source"
"The Pigs"

Software Developers: Strange jargon:
"SCSI"
"RTFM"
"Packet"
"C"
"Cache"
"CTRL ALT DEL"
"Hit (WWW)"
"Source-code"
"Microsoft"

Drug Dealers: Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.
Software Developers: Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.

Drug Dealers: Your clients really like your stuff when it works. When it doesn't work they want to kill you.
Software Developers: Your clients really like your stuff when it works. When it doesn't work they want to kill you.

Drug Dealers: Job is assisted by the industry producing newer, more potent product.
Software Developers: Job is assisted by the industry producing newer, more potent products.

Drug Dealers: Often seen in the company of pimps, hustlers and lowlifes
Software Developers: Often seen in the company of marketing people, venture capitalists and fund managers.

Drug Dealers: When things go wrong, a "fix" is just a phone call away but may be expensive
Software Developers: When things go wrong, a "fix" is just a phone call away but may be expensive

Drug Dealers: A lot of successful people getting rich in this industry while still teenagers
Software Developers: A lot of successful people getting rich in this industry while still teenagers

Drug Dealers: Their product causes unhealthy addictions.
Software Developers: DOOM. Quake. SimCity. Duke Nukem 3D. 'Nuff said.

Drug Dealers: Do your job well, and you can sleep with sexy movie stars who depend on you.
Software Developers: Damn! Damn! DAMN!!!

Billboards

Click on image to see larger picture