Helping an old lady

A little old lady with blue hair entered the sex aids shop and asked in a quavering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-l d-dildos hhere?

"The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance inhis shop, answered, "Uh, yes ma'am. We do."

The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apartasked "D-do y-you ha-ave an-ny ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?"

"Well, yes ma-am, we do. We have several that size."

Forming a 5 inch circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny oft-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?"

"Well.... yes ma'am, a few of them are about that big."

"D-do aa-ny of t-them ha-ave a v-v-vibra-a-ator?"

"Yes ma'am, one of them does."

"W-w-ell, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?"

Burial Plans

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.

While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000.00, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150.00."

The man thought about it and told him he would just as soon have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000.00 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and only cost you $150.00?".

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

With thanks to Black Feline for this one

Hail to the Chief

OK, I know this one is several years out of date, but that's the problem with only discovering blogger last year. My joke mail folder goes way back.

There are loads of jokes I've not bothered posting because they were so dated, but I thought this one was still funny enough to put up...


Subject: Hail to the Chief

Before the inauguration, George Bush was invited to a "get acquainted" tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. He was astonished to see that the President had a solid gold urinal.

That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think," he said; "when I am President, I'll get to have a gold urinal!"

Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary during her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been to discover the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, there was a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary turned to Bill and said, "Well, I found out who pissed in your saxophone."

Dinner conversation that went wrong

WIFE : "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND : "Definitely not!"

WIFE : "Why not - don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND : "Of course I do."

WIFE : "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND : "Okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE : "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."

HUSBAND : (makes audible groan).

WIFE : "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND : "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE : "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND : "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE : "Would she use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND :"No, she's left-handed."

WIFE : - - - silence - - -

HUSBAND : "Shit."

A.A.A.D.D.

This is the story of my life.

I have recently been diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder...

This is how it goes:

I decide to wash the car; I start toward the garage and notice the mail on the table. OK, I'm going to wash the car. But first I'm going to go through the mail. I lay the car keys down on the desk, discard the junk mail and notice the trash can is full.

OK, I'll just put the bills on my desk and take the trash can out, but since I'm going to be near the mailbox anyway, I'll pay these few bills first. Now, where is my checkbook? Shoot, there's only one check left! My extra checks are in my desk. Oh, there's the Coke I was drinking. I'm going to look for those checks. But first I need to put my Coke further away from the computer, or maybe I'll pop it into the fridge to keep it cold for awhile.

I head towards the kitchen and my flowers catch my eye, they need some water. I set the Coke on the counter and there are my glasses. I was looking for them all morning! I'd better put them away first.

I fill a container with water and head for the flower pots. Someone left the TV remote in the kitchen. We will never think to look in the kitchen tonight when we want to watch television. Better put it back in the family roomwhere it belongs.

I splash some water into the pots and onto the floor. I throw the remote back onto a soft cushion on the sofa and I head back down the hall trying to figure out what it was I was going to do?

End of the Day:

The car isn't washed, the bills are unpaid, the Coke is sitting on the kitchen counter, the flowers are half watered, the checkbook still only has one check in it and I can't seem to find my car keys! When I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because - I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY LONG!

I realize this is a serious condition and I'll get help, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Insect Repellent

A salesman was travelling through the countryside, selling insect repellent.

He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. "Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it."

The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you."

The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake.

Back to the house went the farmer The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield. Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him.

The farmer was perplexed. "Son," he said, "now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?"

The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, "For crying out loud, Mister, doesn't that calf have a mother?!!!"