Weight loss program

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads: "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised.

He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads: "If you catch me you can have me."

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her; but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself to discover that he has lost another 20 lb. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 lb. program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone - "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies,"I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 6ft 6 in black man standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads:, "I'm Leroy. If I catch you, you're mine..."

Miracle Diet

Diet People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets or quit after 3 days.

Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet. Over the years you may have noticed that most 2 year olds are trim. Now, the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards.

Good Luck!!!

DAY ONE
Breakfast: 1 scrambled egg, 1 piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg using your fingers, dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, smear the jelly over your face and clothes.

Lunch: 4 crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, 1 glass of milk (3 sips only, spill the rest).
Dinner: 1 dry stick, 2 pennies, 1 nickel, 4 sips of flat Sprite. Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.

DAY TWO:
Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink 1/2 bottle of vanilla extract or 1 vial of vegetable dye.

Lunch: 1/2 tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). 1 ice cube, if desired.

Afternoon Snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop it in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on rug.

Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes, eat with a spoon.

DAY THREE:
Breakfast: 2 pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat 1 with fingers, rub in hair.

Glass of milk, drink 1/2, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on cushion of best chair.

Lunch: 3 matches, peanut butter & jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.

Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch. Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible.

FINAL DAY:
Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive.

Pour a glass of milk over bowl of corn flakes, add 1/2 cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.

Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.

Dinner: 1 glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.