Pickle Slicer

Tom worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day and confessed to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer!

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Tom indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Tom came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Tom?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Tom, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Tom, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Tom. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, she got fired too."


With thanks to SafeTinspector for this one

Another Blonde Joke

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599.00, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram telling my sister that I've bought a bull and I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word.

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable".

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, "comfortable?'"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it slow ("com-for-da-bul").

Where Am I?

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a hand-written sign, and held it in the helicopter's window.

The pilot's sign read: "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window.

Their sign read "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded: "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

TV Commentators

MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's come in his shorts."

HERE is Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyres on World Superbikes: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard
on now."

Here is Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

Winning Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

During the 1989 British Masters golf tournament, commentator Peter Aliss observed: "Notices are appearing at courses telling golfers not to lick their balls on the green."

Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away. "My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

Steve Leonard, talking about vegetation on Vets In The Wild, told Trude: "There's something big growing between my legs."

Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

Written on the Forehead

A husband is at home watching a very exciting World Cup soccer game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily; "Fix the light, now? Does it look like I have a Manweb logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so!"

The wife asks, "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close properly"

To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Electrolux written on my forehead? I don't think so!"

"Fine" She says, "Then could you at least fix the steps at the front door? They're about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix steps," He says. "Does it look like I have B & Q written on my forehead? I don't think so! I've had enough of you, I'm going to the bar!" So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours.

He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey" He asks, "How did all this get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Then a nice young man asked me what was wrong and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs and all I had to do was either, go to bed with him or bake a cake."

Her husband said, "So what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Hellooooo......do you see Mr. Kipling written on my forehead?
I DON'T THINK SO!!"

How Drunk?

Three women had a very late night drinking. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways. The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.

The first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door I blew chunks for 10 minutes."

The second said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

The third proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home,I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole f*cking house down!"

The room was silent for a moment. Then, the first girl spoke out again, "Listen girls, I don't think you understand...

...Chunks is my dog."

Old Jokes

A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts.
A woman comes up to him and says 'What are you supposed to be?'
The man says "A premature ejaculation".
"What?" says the woman.
The man says "I've just come in my pants."

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"


"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly " I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, straight up, no bull!"

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
He was pulled in by a strong currant.