Saturday, September 30, 2006

The Athiest and the Bear

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.

"What majestic trees!

What powerful rivers!

What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes.

Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path.

Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.

He tripped and fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.

At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..."

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

It was then that bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying, "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out.

And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke,

"Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful."

Friday, September 29, 2006

Vampire bragging

Three vampires were on a tree, each bragging about being the best vampire of the three. All of the sudden, Vampire A flew away and came back within 10 seconds. His mouth was so full with fresh blood, excess of the blood were dripping from his mouth.

Vampire A : “You see that house?”

Vampire B : “Ya I saw.”

Vampire C : “Ya I saw.”

Vampire A : “I sucked all their blood.”

Vampire B then flew out of the tree, and came back in 5 seconds. Blood dripped from his mouth too.

Vampire B : “You see that village?”

Vampire A : “Ya I saw.”

Vampire C : “Ya I saw.”

Vampire B : “I sucked all their blood.”

Vampire C then flew out of the tree, and came back in 2 seconds. Blood dripped not only from his mouth too, but was also all over his face.

Vampire C : “You see that tree there?”

Vampire A : “Ya I saw.”

Vampire B : “Ya I saw.”

Vampire C : “I didn’t.”

With thanks to /77!cH3//3 for that one

Thursday, September 28, 2006

The saga of management reviews of reports

Question: How many feet do mice have?

Original reply: Mice have four feet.

Managment comment: Elaborate.

Revision 1: Mice have five appendages, four of which are feet.

Managment comment: No discussion of fifth apendage.

Revision 2: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet and one is tail.

Managment comment: What? Feet without legs?

Revision 3: Mice have four legs, four feet, and one tail per mouse.

Managment comment: Confusing. Is that a total of 9 appendages?

Revision 4: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail per body.

Managment comment: Does not fully discuss the issue.

Revision 5: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each leg is equipped with a foot at the end opposite to the body; the tail is not equipped with a foot.

Managment comment: Descriptive but not decisive.

Revision 6: Allotment for mice will be:
Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would constitute misappointment of scare appendage assets.

Managment comment: Too authoritative, stifles creativities.

Revision 7: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system. Also attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non functional and ornamental in nature.

Managment comment: Too verbose and scientific. Answer the question.

Final Revision: Mice have four feet.

Managment comment: Approved.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Men & Marriage

He said - I don't now why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said - You wear pants don't you?

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said - That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa.

He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

On a wall in a ladies room - "My husband follows me everywhere"
Written just below it - " I do not"

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.

Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.

Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.

Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.

Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and
A. They already have boyfriends.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

Monday, September 25, 2006


Did you ever used to watch Catchphrase?

Would you have wanted to be the contestant when this picture came up?

Look at the picture first; it should only take you a second to come up with an answer.

Then scroll down for the ‘correct’ answer.

And remember:

Say what you see !!!!

It’s good, but it’s not right…

The correct answer was "Holding down a job", you sick pervert.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Talking Clock

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously? asked his astonished friend.

"Yup," replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the 2nd guest asked, squinting at it.

"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "You asshole .... it's ten past three in the morning!"