Friday, November 25, 2005

The Rules For Men Explained

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the points system:

You make the bed .....+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows .... 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets ....-1
You leave the toilet seat up ....-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when empty ...0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex ....-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom ....-2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings ....+5
in the snow ....+8
but return with beer ....-5
and no liners ....-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night ...0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing .... 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something ....+5
You pummel it with a six iron ....+10
It's her cat ....-40

You stay by her side the entire party ...0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a College drinking buddy ....-2
Named Tiffany ....-4
Tiffany is a dancer ....-10
With breast implants ....-18

You remember her birthday ...0
You buy a card and flowers ....0
You take her out to dinner .... 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar .....+1
Okay, it is a sports bar .....-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night ....-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team ....-10

Go with a pal ....0
The pal is happily married .....+1
The pal is single ....-7
He drives a Ferrari ....-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED) ...-15

You take her to a movie ....+2
You take her to a movie she likes ....+4
You take her to a movie you hate ....+6
You take her to a movie you like ....-2
It's called Death Cop 3 ....-3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans....-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans ....-15

You develop a noticeable pot belly ....-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it .....+10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts .....-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." ....-800

She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You hesitate in responding .....-10
You reply, "Where?" .....-35
You reply, "No, I think it's your ass" .....-100
Any other response ....-20

When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned expression ....0
You listen, for over 30 minutes .....+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience ....+50
You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying "well, what do you think I should do?"....-50
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV ....+100
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep ....-200

Thursday, November 24, 2005

The Super Rooster

An Alabama chicken farmer has a real problem, the flock is not producing. So his buddy sends him to Super Rooster Corp

"These birds, says the salesman, will solve all yer problems, genetically modified."

So the bird gets delivered and released into the hen house. Thereafter the noise is louder than the Superbowl, feathers clucking an all.

The farmer keeps watch from a safe distance. One day doing his rounds he sees a hole in the henhouse, then amazed: watches the Rooster chasing ducks around the pond. Later that afternoon all the ganders are dashing with the rooster in pursuit.

A week passes by, the ducks chickens and geese are getting some peace, in spite of Two Apache helicopters flying about.

After testing his new spotting scope, Jed the farmer jumps into his pickup on seeing a familiar shape out in the field.

The rooster is flat on his back, motionless, beak in the dirt.

"Well boy looks like you done yerself t' death."

A squinting eye opens. "Nope m just waiting fer them two critters to land!"

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Young Moses

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Wrong Address

After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.

Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain.

Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the address.

His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before. When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead.

Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:

Dearest wife,

Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in.

Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your
arrival tomorrow.

Your loving husband.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Scottish Hospital Ward

Dougie telephones his friend who is in hospital.

His friend says," you'll have to get me out of here, it's so noisy I can't sleep, even one of the staff recites poetry when I'm trying to sleep, and the foods awful, its so repetitive: porridge and haggis - they must have got a load of it cheap."

Dougie replies, "doesn't sound right, what ward are you in",

The answer comes back, "I'm in the Burns unit."

*For non Scots, google Robert Burns

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Darwin stupidity

Click on the image to read a larger version. It really is worth it!
It just gets funnier and funnier as it goes on.