Saturday, December 17, 2005

You Know You've Had Too Much Holiday Cheer When....

1. You notice your tie sticking out of your fly.

2. Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.

3. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.

4. You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.

5. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.

6. You strike a match and light your nose.

7. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.

8. You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"

9. You hear a duck quacking and it's you.

10. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.

11. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.

12. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.

13. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.

14. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of the hall mirror.

15. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.

16. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.

18. You're at the dinner table and you ask the hostess to pass a bedpan.

19. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.

20. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.

21. You realize you're the only one under the coffee table.

Friday, December 16, 2005

Ho Ho Ho!

Santa jumps down the chimney of this house and begins putting the gifts under the tree. Sensing that someone is watching him, Santa turns around to find the lady of the house coming towards him in a scanty negligee`.

She moves towards him, putting her arms around his neck and moving close. She
asks, "Santa, won't you stay awhile?"

Santa says, "HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta get the toys to the kids, ya know!"

The lady then begins nibbling on Santa's ear and running her hands up and down his back, saying, "Santa, you sure you got to go?"

He says again, "HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go, gotta get the toys to the kids, ya know!"

Stepping away from him, this beatiful lady removes the lingerie and standing naked in front of him she pleads, "Santa, please stay awhile."

He says,"HEY, HEY, HEY, Guess I'll stay, I can't get up the chimney with my dick
THIS way!!!!"

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Top of the Tree

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

More Stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the
house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the he kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had
eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door.

He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"

And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

It must be great being a man...

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be president.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

You can open all your own jars.

You never have to drive to another gas station because this ones just too icky.

Same work...more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding Dress $5,000; Tux rental $100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood, ALL the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can leave the motel bed unmade.

You can kill your own food.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."

You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

You can do your nails with a pocketknife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, December 24th, in 45 minutes.

The world is your urinal

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Dog Christmases

I'm off to a foreign climate for the best part of a week, so I've left you half a dozen festive images to be getting on with!