Saturday, September 02, 2006

A Teacher's Nightmare

Do read the story before viewing the photo below.

A class of primary children started a class project to make a plant pot to take home.

The teacher wanted to have a plant in it that was easy to take care of, so it was decided to use cactus plants.

The children were given greenware pottery in the style of a clown plant pot.

They painted them with glaze and had them professionally fired at a class outing so they could see the process.

It was great fun.

They planted the cactus seeds in the finished planters and they grew nicely.

Unfortunately, however, they were not allowed to take them home.

The cactus plants were removed, replaced with a small ivy, and the children were then allowed to take them home.

The teacher said cactus “seemed like a good idea at the time..."

Friday, September 01, 2006


A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the
cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued
by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at
her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her
selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're
absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."

Thursday, August 31, 2006

Classroom Quiz

Those o yae that are Scottish will appreciate this yin.

Teacher: "Good morning children, today is Thursday, so we're going to have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday. "

Wee Jocky (a typical Scottish nyaff) thinks, " Ya dancer. Ah'm puredead brilliant at ma general knowledge stuff. This is gonny be a dawdle, come ahead the noo ya radge, a lang weekend fir me. '

Teacher: " Right class, who can tell me who said. 'Don't ask what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'

Wee Jocky shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air. Teacher looking round picks Jeremy at the front. 'Yes, Jeremy?'

Jeremy "Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy - inauguration speech 1960."

Teacher: "Very good Jeremy. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday."

The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Jocky is even more determined.

Teacher: " Who said. 'We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?"

Wee Jocky's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting "I know. I know. Me Miss, me Miss "

Teacher looking round and picks Timothy, sitting at the front: "Yes Timothy."

Timothy (In a very, very posh, English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech."

Teacher: " Very good Timothy , you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday."

The following Thursday comes around and Wee Jocky is hyper, he's been studying encyclopedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes. He's coiled in his wee chair, slavers dripping in anticipation.

Teacher: "Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind?"

Wee Jocky's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming " Me miss. Me miss. I know, I know. Me Miss, me miss, meeeeee "

Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front "Yes Rupert."

Rupert (In a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plummy English accent): "Yes miss, that was Neil Armstrong. 1967, The first moon landing."

Teacher: "Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday."

Wee Jocky loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming " Where the f**K did all these English b*st*rds come from?"

Teacher looking round the class: "Who the hell said that? "

Wee Jocky, grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, "Bonnie Prince Charlie, Culloden, 1746. See yez on Tuesday."

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Father's Career

Little Johnny was in his expensive prep school class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up; accountant, lawyer, salesman, politician. Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men."

The teacher hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring and then took little Johnny aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said Johnny, "My father plays Football for Scotland, but I was too embarrassed to say."

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Caught in a Blizzard

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)