"This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria... I saw her snatch this morning and it was magnificent" (Pat Glenn - Weightlifting commentator)
"This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother" (Ted Walsh –Horse Racing Commentator)
"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Darryl Gibson comes inside of him" (NZ rugby commentator)
"The Spanish manager is pulling his captain off!" (Soccer commentator George Hamilton on Spain manager Luis Suarez's substitution of Butragueno during their world cup qualifier with Ireland in Seville, 1992)
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body" (Winston Bennett)
"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical" (Murray Walker)
I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father" (Greg Norman)
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing but none of them serious" (Alan Minter)
"The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball" (John Francombe)
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again" (Terry Venables)
"I would not say he (David Ginola) is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better" (Ron Atkinson)
"He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it you can see it all over their faces" (Ron Atkinson)
"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew" (Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977)
"Morcelli has the four fastest 1500-metre times ever. And all those times are at 1500 metres" (David Coleman)
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field" (Metro Radio)
"Well, either side could win it, or it could be adraw" (Ron Atkinson)
"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer" (David Acfield)
"What will you do when you leave football, Jack, will you stay in football?" (Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live)
"There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing the world his class" (David Coleman at The Montreal Olympics)
"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?" (Anonymous US TV commentator)
Friday, December 30, 2005
Thursday, December 29, 2005
The Horse and the Chicken
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then
drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?
When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then
drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?
When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Mental Stability
Jim and Mary were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell Mary the news he said "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able ~to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Mary replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell Mary the news he said "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able ~to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Mary replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
I am Flunky Daiperbrain
Sometimes when you have a stressful day or week, you need some silliness to break up the day. And let's face it, few of us will not have had a stressful few days this week.
Here is your dose ... Follow the instructions to find your funny name. The following is an excerpt from a children's book, "Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants", by Dave Pilkey. The evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names.
Lest we take ourselves too seriously, take a moment to find your new name and wear it with humor for the day ...
Use the third letter of your first name to determine your NEW first name:
a = stinky
b = lumpy
c = buttercup
d = gidget
e = crusty
f = greasy
g = fluffy
h = cheeseball
i = chim-chim
j = poopsie
k = flunky
l = booger
m = pinky
n = zippy
o = goober
p = doofus
q = slimy
r = loopy
s = snotty
t = falafel
u = dorkey
v = squeezit
w = oprah
x = skipper
y = dinky
z = zsa-zsa
Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your NEW last name:
a = diaper
b = toilet
c = giggle
d = bubble
e = girdle
f = barf
g = lizard
h = waffle
i = cootie
j = monkey
k = potty
l = liver
m = banana
n = rhino
o = burger
p = hamster
q = toad
r = gizzard
s = pizza
t = gerbil
u = chicken
v = pickle
w = chuckle
x = tofu
y = gorilla
z = stinker
Use the fourth letter of your last name to determine the second half of your NEW last name:
a = head
b = mouth
c = face
d = nose
e = tush
f = breath
g = pants
h = shorts
i = lips
j = honker
k = butt
l = brain
m = tushie
n = chunks
o = hiney
p = biscuits
q = toes
r = buns
s = fanny
t = sniffer
u = sprinkles
v = kisser
w = squirt
x = humperdinck
y = brains
z = juice
Thus, for example, George W. Bush's new name is Goober Chickenshorts.
Go figure. Clinton's new name is Booger Liverchunks.
To spread the fun, work out your friend's names and send it on to them
Here is your dose ... Follow the instructions to find your funny name. The following is an excerpt from a children's book, "Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants", by Dave Pilkey. The evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names.
Lest we take ourselves too seriously, take a moment to find your new name and wear it with humor for the day ...
Use the third letter of your first name to determine your NEW first name:
a = stinky
b = lumpy
c = buttercup
d = gidget
e = crusty
f = greasy
g = fluffy
h = cheeseball
i = chim-chim
j = poopsie
k = flunky
l = booger
m = pinky
n = zippy
o = goober
p = doofus
q = slimy
r = loopy
s = snotty
t = falafel
u = dorkey
v = squeezit
w = oprah
x = skipper
y = dinky
z = zsa-zsa
Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your NEW last name:
a = diaper
b = toilet
c = giggle
d = bubble
e = girdle
f = barf
g = lizard
h = waffle
i = cootie
j = monkey
k = potty
l = liver
m = banana
n = rhino
o = burger
p = hamster
q = toad
r = gizzard
s = pizza
t = gerbil
u = chicken
v = pickle
w = chuckle
x = tofu
y = gorilla
z = stinker
Use the fourth letter of your last name to determine the second half of your NEW last name:
a = head
b = mouth
c = face
d = nose
e = tush
f = breath
g = pants
h = shorts
i = lips
j = honker
k = butt
l = brain
m = tushie
n = chunks
o = hiney
p = biscuits
q = toes
r = buns
s = fanny
t = sniffer
u = sprinkles
v = kisser
w = squirt
x = humperdinck
y = brains
z = juice
Thus, for example, George W. Bush's new name is Goober Chickenshorts.
Go figure. Clinton's new name is Booger Liverchunks.
To spread the fun, work out your friend's names and send it on to them
Monday, December 26, 2005
Rules For Men
1. The Female always makes The Rules.
2. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
3. No Male can possibly know all The Rules.
4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules.
5. The Female is never wrong.
6. (If the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the Male did or said wrong.)
7. (If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.)
8. The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.
9. The Male must never change his mind without express written consent from the Female.
10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female Wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. The Male is expected to mind read at all times.
14. The Male who doesn't abide by The Rules, can't take the heat, lacks a backbone, and is a wimp.
15. Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm.
16. At no time can the Male make such comments as "Insignificant" and "Is that all?" when the Female is complaining.
17. If the Female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void!
2. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
3. No Male can possibly know all The Rules.
4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules.
5. The Female is never wrong.
6. (If the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the Male did or said wrong.)
7. (If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.)
8. The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.
9. The Male must never change his mind without express written consent from the Female.
10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female Wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. The Male is expected to mind read at all times.
14. The Male who doesn't abide by The Rules, can't take the heat, lacks a backbone, and is a wimp.
15. Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm.
16. At no time can the Male make such comments as "Insignificant" and "Is that all?" when the Female is complaining.
17. If the Female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void!
Sunday, December 25, 2005
Getting Into Heaven
This is the last of my Christmas jokes, so I thought I'd time it so that I left my favourite for today...
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter replied.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells". Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carols".
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter replied.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells". Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carols".
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