Another Oldie but Goodie

This is a true story from the Word Perfect help line. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired. However, the ex-employee is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "termination without cause."

This is from the taped conversation leading up to the dismissal.

"Word Perfect Technical Desk, may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Word Perfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in Word Perfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type!"

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV."

"Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

"...Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach it."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle, it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power...a power outage? Aha, okay. We've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

Etch-A-Sketch

Do you remember when the biggest global fear was not terrorism, or environmental catastrophe, but the Millenium Bug? Late in 1999, a friend sent this one and it's still one of my favourites...


Because of heightened concern over Y2K problems and increased demand on IT departments, it has been determined that there is no longer any need for network or software applications support.

The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by December 1999, thus avoiding the anticipated Y2K problem. Instead, all employees will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch.

This provides four distinct advantages:

1. No Y2K problems
2. No technical glitches to prevent goals from being accomplished
3. No more wasted time reading and writing e-mails
4. Everybody gets the same advanced model

In anticipation of the changeover, the following is a list of frequently asked questions regarding Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support:

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn off my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A : Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document Window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.

Rules for Writer

1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.

2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)

6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.

7. Be more or less specific.

8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.

9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

10. No sentence fragments.

11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.

12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

14. One should NEVER generalize.

15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

16. Don't use no double negatives.

17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

20. The passive voice is to be ignored.

21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.

22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.

23. DO NOT use exclamation points and all caps to emphasize!!!

24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.

26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.

27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.

29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.

30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

32. Who needs rhetorical questions?

33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

34. The passive voice should never be used.

36. Do not put statements in the negative form.

37. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.

38. A writer must not shift your point of view.

39. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.

40. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.

41. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.

42. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.

43. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.

44. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.

45. Always pick on the correct idiom.

46. The adverb always follows the verb.

47. Be careful to use the rite homonym.

And Finally...47. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Basic engineering

For all of you who have struggled to figure out, "How did it get this way?"......The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. Now, that's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used?

Because that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates.

Why did the English people build them like that?

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Okay! Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing?

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old, long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old Wheel ruts.

So who built these old rutted roads?

The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts?The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

Thus, we have the answer to the original question. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman army war chariot. Specs and Bureaucracies live forever.

So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you maybe exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.

Now the twist to the story.... here's an interesting extension of the story about railroad gauge and horses' behinds.

When we see a Space Shuttle sitting on the launchpad, there are two bigbooster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are the solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at a factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs might have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line to the factory runs through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than a railroad track, and the railroad track is about as wide as two horses' behinds. So a major design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined by the width of a horse's Ass!

Not elegant -- but may come in useful.

Proof you weren't around in the 50s

The following is from an actual 1950s Home Economics textbook intended for High school girls, teaching them how to prepare for married life.

1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little happy and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

3. Clear away clutter: Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before you husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.

4. Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them play the part.

5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.

6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems or complaints Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.

7. Make him comfortable. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing, and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.

10. The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.
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The updated version for the modern woman:

1. Have dinner ready: Make reservations ahead of time. If your day becomes too hectic, just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been crappie and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.

2. Prepare yourself: A quick stop at the "Clinique" counter on your way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he opens his mouth. (Don't forget to use his credit card!)

3. Clear away the clutter: Call the housekeeper and tell her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the garage.

4. Prepare the children: Send the children to their rooms to watch television or play Nintendo. After all, both of them are from his previous marriage.

5. Minimize the noise: If you happen to be home when he arrives, be in the bathroom with the door locked.

6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's late for dinner, simply remind him that the leftovers are in the fridge and you left the dishes for him to do.

7. Make him comfortable: Tell him where he can find a blanket if he's cold. This will really show you care.

8. Listen to him: But don't ever let him get the last word.

9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or other places of entertainment; go with a friend or go shopping (use his credit card). Familiarize him with the phrase "Girls' Night Out!"

10. The Goal: Try to keep things amicable without reminding him that he only thinks the world revolves around him. Obviously he's wrong, it revolves around you.

Homer Simpson - the Great Philosopher

"Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs. "

"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."

"You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine."

"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."

"If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."

"To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!"

"I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.'"

"I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get you through life. Number one, 'cover for me.' Number two, 'oh, good idea,boss.' Number three, 'it was like that when I got here.'"

"Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda."

"Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'"

"Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night."

"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get."

"Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't - it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxyboxing and such and such."

"Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in everyday and do it really half-assed. That's the American way."

"Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain whats-his-name?"

"We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?"

"Television - teacher, mother, secret lover!"

"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're making a scene.'"

Modern Working Life

You know you work in the modern world when...

1. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

2. Your company welcome sign is attached with velcro.

3. Your CV is on a disk in your pocket.

4. You really get excited about a 1.7% pay rise.

5. You learn about your redundancy on the 9 o'clock news.

6. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose all your best jokes.

7. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.

8. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.

9. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined.

10. It's dark when you drive to and from work, even in the summer.

11. You know exactly how many days you've got left until you retire.

12. Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.

13. You see a good looking, smart person and you know it must be a visitor.

14. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.

15. The work experience person gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the features, while you have time to go for lunch while yours powers up.

16. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.

17. You're already late on the assignment you just got.

18. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department is short of, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.

19. Your boss's favourite lines are: "When you've got a few minutes..."; "Could you fit this in...?"; "In your spare time..."; "When you're free..."; I know you're busy but..."; "I have an opportunity for you..."

20. Holiday is something you roll over to next year or a cheque you get in January.

21. Every week another brown collection envelope comes round because someone you didn't know at work is leaving.

22. You wonder who's going to be left to put something into your "leaving" collection.

23. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".

24. The only reason you recognise your kids is because their pictures are on your desk.

25. You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.

26. You read this entire list, kept nodding and you understood it.

27. Everyone you want to forward this to has already left and become a company in their own right.