Saturday, March 11, 2006

Maths Exam

The Scottish Executive Education Committee has determined that different secondary Maths Exam are required for pupils in the two cities.

Below are the most recent maths exam papers for your reference.


MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS IN GLASGOW:

NAME __________________________

NICK-NAME ____________________

GANG NAME ____________________

1. Shug has 0.5 kilos of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Malkie for 300 quid and 90 grams to Gozy for 90 quid a gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

2. Elroy McKay pimps 3 brassers. If the price is 40 quid a shag, how many shags per day must each brasser perform to support his 500 quid a day crack habit?

3. Whacker wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for 7,000 bar, to make a 20% profit. How many grams of strychnine will he need?

4. Christy got 6 years for murder. He also got 350,000 for the hit. If his common law wife spends 33,100 per year, how much money will be left when he gets out?

Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will Christy get for killing the slapper that spent his money?

5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square meters and the average letter is 1 square meter, how many letters can be sprayed with eight fluid ounce cans of spray paint with 20% extra paint free?

6. Bagga steals Dunky's skateboard. As Bagga skates away at a speed of 35mph, Dunky loads his brother's piece. If it takes Dunky 20 seconds to load the gun, how far will Baga have travelled when he gets whacked?



MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS IN EDINBURGH:

NAME________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

_________________________

(if longer, please continue on separate sheet)

DADDY'S COMPANY_______________________________________

1. Julian smashes up the old man's car, causing x amount of damage and killing three people. The old man asks his local MP to intervene in the court system, then forges his insurance claim and receives a payment of y. The difference between x and y is three times the life insurance settlement for the three dead people.

What kind of car is Julian driving now?

2. Chloe's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and own-brand products for the designer goods favoured by her employer. In the course of a month she saves the price of a return ticket to Fiji and Chloe doesn't even notice the difference.

Is she thick or what?

3. Roly fancies the arse off a certain number of tarts, but he only has enough Rohypnol left to render 33.3% unconscious. If he has 14 Rohypnol, how is he ever going to shag the other two-thirds?

4. If Savannah throws up four times a day for a week she can fit in a size 8 Versace. If she only throws up three times a day for two weeks, she has to make do with a size 10 Dolce et Gabbana.

How much does liposuction cost?

5. Alexander is unsure about his sexuality. Three days a week he fancies women. On the other days he fancies men, ducks and vacuum cleaners. However he only has access to the Hoover every third week.

When does his Sunday Independent column start?

Friday, March 10, 2006

Euro Coins

To mark the 200th Joke Mail posting, I thought I'd go for a more International theme today.

Anyone else noticed that because Norway isn't in the EU, but Sweden is, it gives the map on the Euro coins a very distinctive shape.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Bird Flu Hits Paris

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Tattoo

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been?"

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

With thanks to Binty for this one

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Pub Crawl

Harry and Paul fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money, all together they came to a staggering 50 pence.

Harry: 'Hang on, I've got an idea' - went to the next butchers shop and came out with one large Cumberland Sausage.

Paul: 'Are you crazy? Now we haven't got any money left at all'

Harry: 'Don't worry - just follow me' and went into the next pub where he immediately ordered two pints and two large Jack Daniel's

Paul: 'Now you have lost it - do you know how much trouble we will be in - we
haven't got any money!!'

Harry: 'Don't' worry - I have got a plan - Cheers'

They had their drinks and Harry said 'OK, I will now stick the sausage through my zip - you will go on your knees and put it in your mouth.' Said and done - the landlord noticed it - went berserk and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk -all for free. At the 10th pub Paul said 'Mate - I don't think I can continue this any longer - I am pissed and my knees are killing me

Harry replied, 'How do you think I feel - I lost the sausage in the 3rd pub'

Monday, March 06, 2006

Rules All Straight Men Should Know

1. Thou shall not rent the movie "Chocolate".

2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella

3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally beaten and killed by his fellow party goers.

4. Unless he murdered someone in your immedicate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call bullshit. (Exception: when trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)

6. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.

7. The maximum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

8. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable .

9. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional.

10. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

11. Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his permission and he, in return is required to grant it.

12. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and, more importantly, the ability to pick a buggalo wing clean.

13. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem; you didn't see nothing.

14.The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is BEER

15. (Gas Warfare Act) you may flatulate in front of a woman only after you've brought her to climax. But if you trap her head under the covers (dutch oven) for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officialy your girlfriend.

16. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel and it's free.

17. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

18. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

19. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "what this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.

20. Prases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting: "yeah, baby, push it!" "C'mon, give me one more! Harder!" " another set and we can hit the showers." "Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"

21. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. that's just plain mean.

22. never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.

23. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him... too gay.

24. Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a F*** **F, you are absolved of your responsibility.

25. The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling wierd and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.

Sunday, March 05, 2006

Emoticons - my arse!

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons", where:

:) means a smile and

:( is a frown.


Well, how about some "arseicons"?

Here goes:

(_!_) a regular arse

(__!__) a fat arse

(!) a tight arse

(_*_) a sore arse

{_!_} a swishy arse

(_o_) an arse that's been around

(_x_) kiss my arse

(_X_) leave my arse alone

(_zzz_) a tired arse

(_E=mc2_) a smart arse

(_$_) Money coming out of his arse

(_?_) Dumb arse