Saturday, May 06, 2006

Educators

According to a news report, a certain private school in Edinburgh recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of the 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the janitor would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the head decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the janitor. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the janitor who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the janitor to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirrors...

There are teachers, and then there are educators.

Friday, May 05, 2006

L'computer

A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine: "House" is feminine - "la maison". "Pencil" is masculine - "le crayon" etc.

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups- male and female - and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your salary on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer") because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Cannibals in the workplace

Several cannibals were recently hired by a big corporation. "You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees". The cannibals promised.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads no.

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"

A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and no one noticed anything, then you had to go and eat the secretary!"

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Soap Dispenser

Two priests are off to the showers late one night.

They undress and step into the showers before they realise there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.

He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers.

He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.

Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.

The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.

Startled, he drops a bar of soap.

"Oh look" says the first nun, "its a soap dispenser".

To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood... sure enough he drops the second bar of Soap.

The third nun decides to have a go.

She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens.

So she gives several more tugs, then yells!

"Mary, Mother of God - Hand Lotion too

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

The Defense Rests

Defense Attorney: What is your age?

Little old Woman: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?

Little old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little old Woman: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little old Woman: Why, Your Honour, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just laid down and said to him... "Take me... young man... Take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little old Woman: Hell, no. He just yelled, "April Fools!" ...And that's when I shot the little bastard...

Monday, May 01, 2006

Redneck jokes

Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?

She can't touch it till she's fourteen.


What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck?

The good ol' boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally involved.


What's the most popular pick up line in Arkansas?

Nice tooth!


Best bar pick-up line in Kentucky:

"Hey, you don't sweat much for a fat broad."


Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me? "

There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"


How do you know when your staying in an Arkansas hotel?

When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk says "go ahead."


How can you tell if a redneck is married?

There are tobacco spit stains on both sides of his pickup truck.


What's the difference between Virginia and West Virginia?

In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer. In West Virginia it's a misdemeanor.


Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32?

It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!


What do they call "Hee Haw" in Arkansas?

A documentary.


What do they call it in Kentucky?

"Life Styles of the Rich and Famous."


How many rednecks does it take eat a 'possum?

Two. One to eat, and one to watch for cars.


Why did God invent armadillos?

So that rednecks can have 'possum on the halfshell.


Research had been going on for many years as to the invention of the toothbrush. Researchers knew the purpose of the device, but wanted to know and acknowledge the originating location. After a very long and exasperating study, the researchers came to their conclusion as to the origin of the toothbrush. It was decided that the brush was invented in West Virginia. Intrigued with the discovery, the researchers were asked by the media how they came to the conclusion. They all agree it was simple deduction, "If it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush."

With thanks to SafeTinspector for this one

Sunday, April 30, 2006

Texas Surgeons

Medical Technology and the skill of the Surgeon is amazing....

Three Texas surgeons were arguing as to which had the greatest skill.

The first began: "Three years ago, I reattached sevenfingers on a pianist. He went on to give a recital for the Queen of England."

The second replied: "That's nothing. I attended a man in a car accident. All his arms and legs were severed from his body. Two years after I reattached them, he won three gold medals for field events in the Olympics."

The third said: "A few years back, I attended to a cowboy. He was high on cocaine and alcohol when he rode his horsehead-on into a Santa Fe freight train traveling at 100 miles per hour. All I had to work with was the horse's ass and a ten gallon hat. He went on to become the latest president of the United States."

With thanks to SafeTinspector for this one.