Saturday, July 07, 2007

Bubba Died in a Fire

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.

Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."

"What? He had two assholes?!" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"

Friday, July 06, 2007

Gloves and Panties

A man went to a gift store to buy his girlfriend a pair of gloves. He had the manager try them on. She said they were perfect, so he had the manager wrap them up.

When the manager gave him the gift she accidently gave him a pair of panties instead. When the girlfriend got the gift there was a note attached to it.

The note read:
Dear Honey, Hope you like the gift.The lady at store said they were perfect. I had her try them on for me. She looked more like a lady. I hope you will wear them for me Friday night.

Love, Bobby

PS: The latest style is to wear them folded in with a little fur showing.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Pinocchio and Splinters

One day Pinocchio came to Gepetto with a problem. "Every time I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters. What can I do about this?"

Gepetto asked, "have you tried sandpaper?"

Pinocchio hadn't, so he went to try it.

"Pinnochio," said Gepetto a few weeks later, "how is the problem working out with your girlfriend?"

Said Pinnochio, "Girlfriend?! Who needs a girlfriend when you have sandpaper?"

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Spaghetti....

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She
agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. His wife said, "Honey, you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said. The wife handed him the card and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and collapsed.

On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without! Request bread... "

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Room 302

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?

The operator said "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The Operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."

After a few minutes the Operator returned to the phone, "Oh,good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine: her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."

The Grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit."

Monday, July 02, 2007

Wrestling techniques

A RUSSIAN and BOUDREAUX, a Coonass wrestler from Thibodaux, Louisiana were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final match, Boudreax's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'Pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished."

Boudreaux nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, Boudreaux the Coonass and theRussian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Broudreaux and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd amd the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and Boudreaux collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astrounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "Boudreaux, how did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before?"

Then Boudreaux answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength, I strectched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could."

"So," the trainer exclaimed, "that's what finished him off!"

"Not really," said Boudreaux, "you'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts."

Sunday, July 01, 2007

So We Can All Communicate a Little Better

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.