Saturday, August 01, 2009

Door Hinge

A couple just got a new house. The husband turned to his wife and ask her to go to the hardware store and get a door hinge for him. She kindly agreed and left.

When she got to the hardware store, got the hinge, and put it on the counter in fornt of the clerk. He noticed that she didn't have any screws for it, so he asked her "Do you want a screw for that hinge?"

She looked back at him and said "No, but I'll blow you for that toaster in the window."

Friday, July 31, 2009

Speaking a Woman's Language

CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS?
There is no way in hell I'm going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine.

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
... without you in it.

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We haven't had a fight in a while.

I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can't believe you have nothing planned.

I LIKE YOU, BUT...
I don't like you.

OF COURSE I LOVE YOU.
... just not in that way.

YOU NEVER LISTEN.
You never listen.

WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY.
I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.

OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
There's no way I'm letting you think this is a date.

OH YES! RIGHT THERE!
Well, near there, I just want to get this over with.

I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.
We're gonna get drunk and make fun of you and your friends.
More Men/Women Jokes »

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Catching a Polar Bear

Q: How do you catch a polar bear?

A: You make a hole in the ice and line it with peas. When the bear goes in to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Running Blind

A policeman was directing traffic at a busy intersection when he observed a blind man and his seeing-eye dog waiting to cross.

To his horror, he watched as the seeing-eye dog bolted across the street, dragging the blind man behind him.

On the other side of the road, the man pulled out a cookie and offered it to his dog.

The officer ran to the blind man and said, "Don't you realize your dog could have killed you, and now you're going to reward him?"

The blind man said to the policeman, "Why, no sir, I'm just trying to find out where his head is so I can kick his ass."

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

The Vet Bill

A man rushes his limp dog to the veterinarian. The doctor pronounces the dog dead. The agitated man demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat. The cat sniffs the body and meows. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.

The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body and barks. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead, too."

The man finally resigns to the diagnosis and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650."

"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man.

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 is for the cat scan and lab tests."