Not all he's cracked up to be...

Some of Santa's reply letters

Deer Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Friend, Billy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. I've left you a book so you can learn to read and spell
I'm gave your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell.
Santa

**********

Dear Santa,
I've been a good girl all year & the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa

******

Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas I'd like for my mommy & daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. I've left you some Lego instead.
Santa

****

Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, GI Joe, a dog, a drum kit, a pony & a tuba.
Love Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis"? I bet you're gay. I'veleft you a Barbie.
Santa

********

Dear Santa,
I left milk & cookies for you under the tree & carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the dhiarrea, carrots make the deer fart in my face. You want to do me a favor? Next year leave a bottle of Scotch.
Santa

***

Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
The toys are made in China . I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time making low budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly & squeezing the butts of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table.
Santa

****

Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? I skipped your house.
Santa

****
Dear Santa,
I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please,PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one?
Love, Timmy

Dear Timmy,
That whiny begging crap may work with your folks, but not with me.
I've left you a sweater, again.
Santa

*****

Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home?
Love, Marky

Dear Mark,
1st stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. 2nd, you don't live in a house, you live in a low rent apt. 3rd, I got in your pad like the boogieman... through your bedroom window.
Sweet dreams, Santa

Message from Santa

The Science of Santa

Of course all of this came as a shock to me, on account of me believing in Santa. Guess I'm not getting any presents now ...


There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world.

However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million according to the population reference bureau). At
an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming there is at least one good child in each.

Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming east to west which seems logical. This works out to 967.7 visits per second.

This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000 Th. of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the
stocking, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have
been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get onto the next house.

Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks.

This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second--3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.

The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer can pull
10 times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them - Santa would need 360,000 of them.

This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). 600,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft
re-entering the earth's atmosphere.

The lead pair of reindeer would adsorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the
reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporised within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.

Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.s-1. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000 G's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.

Therefore if Santa Claus ever did exist, he's dead now.


Happy Xmas folks!

Xmas Party

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Christmas Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Jack, Pete and some of the other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"

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