Saturday, December 15, 2007

Shirts Off

A woman sat on a plane heading for New York, when the pilot announces that because of difficulties with the plane's engines, he must make an emergency landing.

The woman, fearing that this may be the end of her life looks over to a man sitting next to her and rips her shirt and bra off, and throws herself on him. "Make me feel like a woman again!" she screamed.

So the man rips his shirt off and hands it to her. "Iron this."

Friday, December 14, 2007

Religious Nuts

There were four country churches in a small Texas town: The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church and the Catholic Church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Old Ladies' Noggins

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."

The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!

The third lady smiles smugly, "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Talk Dirty to Me

What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?

Sexual harassment.

What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?

$3.99 a minute.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Signs You've Been Partying Too Much

1. With a little effort, you could pull the bags under your eyes over your head.

2. When the professor calls out your name during attendance, you rhythmically cry out "In da' house!"

3. Your dirty laundry has become the closest thing to wall-to-wall carpeting.

4. Every study group you join gets fed up with your need to take a break for techno and grinding.

5. All your stories begin with, "I was so wasted..."

6. Your Native American name would've been "Man of Running Body Fluids."

7. You refer to sunlight as a "that bright shit."

8. You look forward to the weekdays as a time to relax.

9. Whenever you see a blinking "Do Not Walk" sign, you think how great it would look if you were on ecstasy.

10. All your stories end with, "...and that's when everything got blurry."

Monday, December 10, 2007

The Blind Guy Polemic

An almost blind guy walked into a sexy lingerie shop to purchase their most see-through item for his wife. After receiving some help from the store clerk, he bought a lace teddy for $600 and brought it home for his wife to try on.

She took it upstairs and realized that it didn't quite fit. But, she figured, since it's supposed to be see-through and since he's almost blind, she might as well wear nothing at all. So she came downstairs completely naked.

"Huh," said the old man, hugging her. "For the amount I paid, they could've at least ironed the damn thing."