Saturday, January 17, 2009

10 husbands, still a virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Friday, January 16, 2009

Signs You're in America

-- A pizza can get to your house faster than an ambulance.

-- There are handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

-- Sick people must walk to the back of the drugstore to get their prescriptions, while healthy people can buy cigarettes in the front.

-- Banks leave both vault doors open, but pens are chained to the counters.

-- Expensive cars sit in the driveways and useless junk fills garages.

-- People use voice mail to screen calls and call waiting to catch every call they might miss.

-- Drive-Up ATM machines feature Braille lettering.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Inferiority complex

Did you hear about the Englishman with an inferiority complex?

He felt he was the same as everyone else.

(Politely lifted from "Ramblings of the Bearded One")

Sunday, January 11, 2009

4 Grandmas

4 old mischievous Grandma's were sitting at a table in a nursing home.

An old Grandpa walked in.

One of the old Grandma's yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell
exactly how old you are."

The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools."

One of the old Grandma's said, "Sure we can! Just drop your pants & under shorts & we can tell your exact age."

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.

The Grandma's asked him to first turn around a couple of times & to jump up & down several times. Then they all piped up & said, "You're 87 years old!"

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, "How in the world did you guess?"

Slapping their knees & grinning from ear to ear, all 4 old ladies happily yelled in unison - "We were at your birthday party yesterday."