Saturday, March 14, 2009

Sick Hick

A redneck felt sick and decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him.
"I can't seem to find the problem, but I think it has something to do with alcohol."

"Well," said the redneck, "then I'll come back when you're sober.'

Friday, March 13, 2009

Brake Fluid Addiction

A mechanic noticed his co-worker drinking brake fluid at lunch.

"What are you doing, man? You can't drink that stuff!"

"Relax," replied his co-worker, "this stuff tastes pretty good, and I don't drink it all the time."

"Seriously," the mechanic exclaimed, "that brake fluid is poison!"

"Hey, man" yelled the co-worker, "back off! I can stop any time I want."

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Steering Wheel

A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel shoved down his pants. The barman looks at him curiously and says, "Buddy, you know you got a steering wheel shoved down your pants?"

The man answers, "Yeah, I know! It's been driving me nuts all day."

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

The Man-Flu

Just so you know we men aren't faking it...

Man Flu

1. Man-Flu is more painful than childbirth. This is an irrefutable
scientific fact*.
*(Based on a survey of over 100,000 men.)

2. Man-Flu is not 'just a cold'. It is a condition so severe that the
germs from a single Man-Flu sneeze could wipe out entire tribes of
people living in the rainforest. And probably loads of monkeys too.

3. Women do not contract Man-Flu. At worst they suffer from what is
medically recognised as a 'Mild Girly Sniffle' - which, if a man caught,
he would still be able to run, throw a ball, tear the phone book in half
and compete in all other kinds of manly activities.

4. Men do not 'moan' when they have Man-Flu. They emit involuntary
groans of agony that are entirely in proportion to the unbearable pain
they are in..

5. Full recovery from Man-Flu will take place much quicker if their
simple requests for care, sympathy and regular cups of tea or coffee are
met. Is that really so much to ask? Florence Nightingale would have done

6. More men die each year from MFN (Man-Flu Neglect) than lots and lots
of other things. (Like rabbit attacks or choking on toast).

7. Men suffering from Man-Flu want nothing more than to get out of bed
and come to work, but they are too selfless to risk spreading this awful
condition amongst their friends and colleagues. In this sense, they are
the greatest heroes this country has ever known.

8. In 1982 scientists managed to simulate the agonising symptoms of full
blown Man-Flu in a female chimp. She became so ill that her head
literally fell off.

9. Man-Flu germs are more powerful than Rambo, Batman and The A-Team
combined. They are too strong for weak, nasty tasting 'lady medicines'
like Lemsip, so don't bother trying to force them on a victim of

10. While it may seem like a Man-Flu sufferer is just lying around
enjoying 'Diagnosis Murder' it is a commonly recognised medical fact
that the exact pitch and frequency of Dick Van Dyke's voice has
remarkable soothing powers.

Every minute in this country one man is struck down by Man-Flu. Women,
all we ask is that each of you offers them a cup of tea or coffee, some
kind words and your undivided attention and care. Then maybe, just
maybe, we'll beat this monstrous disease together.

(Thanks to Kim Ayres for this one and yesterday's.)

Monday, March 09, 2009

President Bush

Man walks up to the White House gate and says to the guard, "I'd like to see President Bush"

Guard: "He's gone"

Next day same man walks up to the gate

Man: "I'd like to see President Bush".

Guard: (somewhat surpised) "He's gone"

Next day once again same man walks up to the gate

Man: "I'd like to see President Bush"

Guard: (now annoyed) "Look , he's gone , I've told you that twice already"

Man: "I know. I just like hearing you say it."

Sunday, March 08, 2009

Lights are on

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. He told the doctor that he felt fine, but often had to go to the bathroom during the night. Then he said, "But you know Doc, I'm blessed. God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I'm done!"

A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George's wife and said, "Your husband's test results were fine, but he said something strange that has been bugging me. He claims that God turns the light on and off for him when uses the bathroom at night."

Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's been peeing in the refrigerator again!"