Saturday, July 04, 2009

Custer's Last Thoughts

An artist unveils his mural of "Custer's Last Thought" at the local Western art museum.

In the foreground, a beautiful crystalline blue lake with a single fish leaping. Around the fish's head is a halo. In the background, the hills and meadows are covered with naked Native American couples copulating.

The curator is very angry and asks, "What the hell has this got to do with 'Custer's Last Thought?'"

The artist replies, "It's simple. Custer's last thought must have been 'Holy Mackerel! Where did all these fucking Indians come from?'"

Thursday, July 02, 2009

Boudreaux the Artist


Boudreaux, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to him for paintings.

One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a limo. She asked Boudreaux if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request.

The beautiful lady said money was no object. She was willing to pay $50,000.

Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife Clothilde, Boudreaux asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with his wife. In a few minutes he returned and told the lady he was willing to do it, however, he would have to leave his socks on so he would have some place to wipe his brushes.

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

The Blonde & The Coke Machine

It was a really hot day and this blonde decided she would go buy a coke. She went to the coke machine and when she put her money in, a coke came out - so she kept putting money in.

And since it was such a hot day, a line had formed behind her. Finally, a guy on line said, "Will you hurry up? We're all hot and thirsty!"

And the blonde said, "No way. I'm still winning!"

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Catholic Wisdom

98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying.

The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey
comfortable. They tried giving her some warm milk to drink but she
refused it.

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and remembering a
bottle of Irish Whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she
opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother
drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had
drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest appeal, "please give us some
wisdom before you die..."

She raised herself up in bed and said, "Don't sell that cow."

Monday, June 29, 2009

Inner Peace:

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment ,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without alcohol,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

...Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!

And you thought I was going to get all spiritual.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

The Rules (by HER)

1. The Female always makes THE RULES.
2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.
3. No Male can possible know all THE RULES.
4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES.
5. The Female is never wrong.
6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.
7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
8. The Female can change her mind at any time.
9. The Male must never change his mind without the express, written consent of The Female.
10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.
14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said.
15. If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because he can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.
16. If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the Male must cater to her every whim.
17. Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.
18. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5.