Friday, September 04, 2009

I Fixed It, part 4 of 5

Thursday, September 03, 2009

How to Tell if You're Mom's Favorite

All-Purpose Apology Letter

a) Family,
b) Sweetheart,
c) Assistant Principal,
d) Sergeant,

I am so very
a) sorry
a) damaged
b) ashamed
c) confused

about this whole
a) boondoggle.
b) wang doodle.
c) whatever I did that's making you so pissy.
d) "pressing charges" thing.

I simply could not control the
a) jet ski.
b) rocket booster.
c) Zamboni.
d) pods at the end of my arms and legs.

And while it is true that I should not have headed in the direction of your
a) white, suede loveseat,
b) Cub Scout troop,
c) wife,
d) priceless beer can artwork,

especially after consuming so much
a) sangria,
b) meth,
c) fresh air,
d) priceless beer,

it was all meant in fun!

The subsequent
a) carnage
b) soiling
c) shame
d) ongoing investigation

that I caused is, hopefully,
a) like, "whatevs."
b) covered by your policy 'cause I'm not insured.
c) beyond my comprehension -- and yours.
d) appreciated.

I humbly ask your forgiveness, though it is perfectly within your rights to
a) spank me.
b) blow up my spot.
c) claim my firstborn.
d) gouge out my eyes and feed them to your priceless koi.

Remember -- I am first and foremost your
a) only child.
b) BBF 4-eva.
c) co-signer.
d) kidney donor.

I hope that this clears up any hard feelings and
a) restores my inheritance.
b) puts us back in bed together.
c) brings you to your sanctimonious knees!
d) gets me off.


Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Photographer and the Pilot

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.

The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "And make several low-level passes."

"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!"

The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

Monday, August 31, 2009

Thor and the Stranger

Thor mopes on Mt. Olympus. Zeus asks him why he looks so depressed. Thor says that he misses the companionship and love of a woman. Zeus tells Thor that he will fix the problem by sending Thor down to Earth.

Thor lands in the backyard of a single woman. The two immediately start making love and continue all weekend.

After the weekend Thor is back at Mt. Olympus with a big grin on his face. Zeus asks Thor the great woman's name, but Thor admits that he never asked.

Horrified at his rudeness, Zeus sends Thor back down to find out the woman's name. Arriving in the same backyard, Thor calls out to the woman, "I wanted to tell you I'm Thor."

She yells, "You're thor? I'm tho thor I can hardly pith or thpit!"

Sunday, August 30, 2009


A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.