Saturday, October 10, 2009

Cockpit error

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob."

All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!"

Friday, October 09, 2009

Holy Golf

Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green.

Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna fuck around?"

Thursday, October 08, 2009

Last of the T-shirt slogans

Monday, October 05, 2009

Things That Make You Go "huh?"

1. I want patience and I want it now!

2. Dichotomy is the root of all evil.

3. Anyone who judges others is horrible and evil.

4. I cannot tolerate intolerance.

5. I object to anyone who makes assumptions like the assumption
that I assume you are making.

6. If you feel guilty you should be ashamed of yourself.

7. I am the most humble person on earth.

8. I can be more self-righteous than anyone; I am just so
superior that I choose not to.

9. I could be wrong. I thought I was wrong once before, but I was wrong.

10. I used to think that I was superior just like you but I
overcame that fault years ago.

11. I'm modest and proud of it.

12. Superstition brings bad luck.

13. Don't ask me what I think of ignorance and apathy; I don't
know and I don't care.

14. Humanity can be divided into two groups of people; those who
divide humanity into two groups of people and those who do not.

15. I'm not in denial.

16. You are so judgmental.

17. Is anal retentive hyphenated?

18. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

19. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

20. Everyone's an individual... but I don't think I am.

Sunday, October 04, 2009

Oil Change instructions

For Women:
Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change. Drink a cup of coffee. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent: Oil Change - $20.00 Coffee - $1.00 Total - $21.00.

For Men:

Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner, and a scented tree. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
Open a beer and drink it.

Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

Place drain pan under engine. Look for 9/16 box end wrench. Give up and use crescent wrench. Unscrew drain plug. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in process. Clean up mess. Have another beer while watching oil drain.

Look for oil filter wrench. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.

Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.

Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. Remember drain plug from step 11.
Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with drain plug. Drink beer.

Uncover hole and sift for drain plug. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Drink beer.

Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame. Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31. Begin cussing fit. Throw wrench. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December 1992 in the left boob. Beer.
Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.



Dump in five fresh quarts of oil. Beer.

Lower car from jack stands. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23. Beer.

Test drive car. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
Car gets impounded.

Make bail.

Get car from impound yard.

Money spent: Parts - $50.00 DUI - $2500.00 Impound fee - $75.00 Bail - $1500.00 Beer - $25.00 Total - $4150.00 But you know the job was done right!