Saturday, November 21, 2009

Darwin Awards

SPARKLEBERRY LANE / PAINT IT BLACK -- Darwin Award -- Confirmed True

July 2009, South Carolina | Two disguised men entered the Sprint
store on Sparkleberry Lane, pulled out guns, and stole wallets,
purses, and credit cards before ordering the employees into a
bathroom. Both men fled, but they could not flee from their
own stupidity. 24-year-old James Thomas had disguised himself
by spray-painting his own face.

Yes, in order to conceal his identity during the robbery, Thomas
covered his skin with paint--a toxic substance with well known
inhalation risks. He began having trouble breathing (surprise!)
and died wheezing shortly after the robbery took place. Witnesses
were certain as to the identity of their assailant; had he lived,
he would have been charged with armed robbery.

LOOK BEFORE YOU LEAK -- Darwin Award -- Confirmed True

April 2008, Florida | Traffic was moving slowly on southbound I-95.
Shawn Montero had left a Pompano Beach bar with three friends, and
now all four were stuck in traffic. You don't buy beer, you just
rent it, and Shawn couldn't wait another moment to relieve himself.
"I need to take a leak."

He was dying to go.

Traffic was deadlocked, so the waterlogged man climbed out, put his
hand on the divider, and jumped over the low concrete wall... only
to fall 65 feet to his death.

"He probably thought there was a road, but there wasn't," said a
Fort Lauderdale police spokesman. His mother shared her thoughts.
"Shawn didn't do a whole lot for a living. He got along on his
charm, just like his father." Though his death was tragic, it
proves the old adage: Look before you leak!

"Double Darwin!"

September 2009, Belgium | Two bankrobbers attempting to make a
sizeable withdrawal from an ATM machine in Dinant died when they
overestimated the quantity of dynamite needed for the explosion.
Nobody else was in the building at the time of the attack. Robber
One was rushed to hospital severely injured, and Robber Two was
unexpectedly excavated from the debris twelve hours later.

Uncovering the second bungler's body was a surprise because
investigators initially assumed that the accomplice had managed
a getaway. Would-be robbers One and Two weren't exactly
impoverished--their getaway car was a BMW.

"Dynamite: not for everything."
"They really blew it."
"Self Banking Gone Extreme"

MY FATHER, THE PHD -- UNCONFIRMED -- Honorable Mention

"The World's Best Honorable Mention!"
Let an amused daughter tell you about her sire.

"This weekend was the final straw. Being an extremely
cost-conscious person, Dad decided that putting half a can of
varnish in the toaster oven to liquefy it was the cheapest approach.
You guessed it--the stuff caught fire! I found him in front of the
flaming oven contemplating picking up the varnish can with his bare
hands. Two-foot flames were shooting out of the can, causing me to
utter a line spoken far too many times in our house: "What in God's
name were you thinking?"

Father's attempts at Darwin Fame have included:

1) Tipping a small boat on Cayuga Lake, NY while fishing, almost
drowning my brother and himself. At the time I thought Mom was
being too hard on him when she said it was his own fault that he was
in the hospital. I have since revised my judgment.

2) Removing a branch from a locust tree by climbing a ladder with a
running chainsaw. The branch was not tied off properly, so it fell
onto a shed roof that he was trying to avoid. A rope that was held
by my mother and a neighbor slipped and both fell. Poor Mom
sustained two black eyes because she fell headfirst onto the
neighbor's knees!

3) Rolling a lawn tractor on top of himself by mowing a roadside
ditch at a steep angle, resulting in a broken rib--and poison ivy
for me because I spent ten minutes thrashing around in the
vegetation while we tried to roll the tractor off Dad. Again.

4) Fourth but not last, lighting a fire in a basement trash burner
that was not connected to an exhaust pipe. The fire department
loves us.

5) Putting an aluminum dutch oven on the stove, starting some water
to boil and wandering off to watch the evening news. Note that the
Merck Index lists the melting point of aluminum as 660 degrees C.
When Mom discovered the situation, the pot had boiled dry, the
bottom was melted out, the pot walls were glowing bright red, and
the kitchen wall was starting to smoke.

6) Testing the efficacy of old Nitroglycerin tablets by swallowing
three at once to see if they still worked. I did say he was cheap,
er, cost conscious. The EMS came to the rescue because his blood
pressure had dropped to an undesirable level and he was passed out
at the kitchen table. Mere minutes before, he was planning a drive
to the donut shop. Thank God he didn't make it to the car before
his blood pressure dropped!

He may not yet have used up nine lives, but my father, the PhD,
appears to have a running start on Darwin infamy.

(Thank Stephanie Schaaf for sharing her eccentric father with us.)

Friday, November 20, 2009

What the DICTIONARY should say...

A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

A place where women curl up and dye.

Someone who is fed up with people.

The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Mud with the juice squeezed out.

Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

Cold Storage.

Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

An insect that makes you like flies better.

Grape with a sunburn.

Something you tell to one person at a time.

A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

The pain that drives you to extraction.

One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

An honest opinion openly expressed.

and last but not least.....

Something other people have, similar to my character lines.

Monday, November 16, 2009

How to Give a Cat a Pill:

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later..

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.