Bird Flu Hits Paris

Tattoo

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been?"

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

With thanks to Binty for this one

Pub Crawl

Harry and Paul fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money, all together they came to a staggering 50 pence.

Harry: 'Hang on, I've got an idea' - went to the next butchers shop and came out with one large Cumberland Sausage.

Paul: 'Are you crazy? Now we haven't got any money left at all'

Harry: 'Don't worry - just follow me' and went into the next pub where he immediately ordered two pints and two large Jack Daniel's

Paul: 'Now you have lost it - do you know how much trouble we will be in - we
haven't got any money!!'

Harry: 'Don't' worry - I have got a plan - Cheers'

They had their drinks and Harry said 'OK, I will now stick the sausage through my zip - you will go on your knees and put it in your mouth.' Said and done - the landlord noticed it - went berserk and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk -all for free. At the 10th pub Paul said 'Mate - I don't think I can continue this any longer - I am pissed and my knees are killing me

Harry replied, 'How do you think I feel - I lost the sausage in the 3rd pub'

Rules All Straight Men Should Know

1. Thou shall not rent the movie "Chocolate".

2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella

3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally beaten and killed by his fellow party goers.

4. Unless he murdered someone in your immedicate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call bullshit. (Exception: when trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)

6. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.

7. The maximum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

8. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable .

9. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional.

10. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

11. Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his permission and he, in return is required to grant it.

12. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and, more importantly, the ability to pick a buggalo wing clean.

13. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem; you didn't see nothing.

14.The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is BEER

15. (Gas Warfare Act) you may flatulate in front of a woman only after you've brought her to climax. But if you trap her head under the covers (dutch oven) for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officialy your girlfriend.

16. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel and it's free.

17. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

18. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

19. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "what this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.

20. Prases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting: "yeah, baby, push it!" "C'mon, give me one more! Harder!" " another set and we can hit the showers." "Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"

21. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. that's just plain mean.

22. never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.

23. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him... too gay.

24. Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a F*** **F, you are absolved of your responsibility.

25. The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling wierd and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.

Emoticons - my arse!

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons", where:

:) means a smile and

:( is a frown.


Well, how about some "arseicons"?

Here goes:

(_!_) a regular arse

(__!__) a fat arse

(!) a tight arse

(_*_) a sore arse

{_!_} a swishy arse

(_o_) an arse that's been around

(_x_) kiss my arse

(_X_) leave my arse alone

(_zzz_) a tired arse

(_E=mc2_) a smart arse

(_$_) Money coming out of his arse

(_?_) Dumb arse

Equations

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy


OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime


GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.


LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.


PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.


DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Bumper Stickers for Women

1. So many men, so few who can afford me

2. God made us sisters, Prozac made us friends

3. Coffee, chocolate, men... some things are just better rich

4. Don't treat me any differently than you would the queen

5. I'm out of oestrogen and I have a gun

6. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it

7. Do not start with me, you will not win

8. Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time

9. All stressed out and no one to choke

10. How can I miss you if you won't go away?

11. Don't upset me - I'm running out of places to hide the bodies

12. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen

Moral of the Story...

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I will give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of story: always let your boss have the first say.

A Blonde Joke

A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her mother overseas.

When the man told her it would cost $30, she exclaimed:
"But I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."

The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect). "Anything?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.

"Well, then, just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room.

The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. "Come in and close the door" the man said.

She did.

"Now get on your knees."

She did.

"Now take down my zipper."

She did.

"Now go ahead ... take it out .."

She reached in and grabbed it with both hands .. then paused.

The man closed his eyes and whispered, "Well, go ahead."

The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer... and while holding it close to her lips tentatively said...

"Hello, Mom can you hear me?"

All Stressed Out?