Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Things a dog must remember

1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

2. I should not suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa, or under the bed.

4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.

5. I will not eat the cats' food, either before they eat it or after they throw it u

6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to be sick.

7. I will not throw up in the car.

8. When at the beach, I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. no matter how good they smell.

9. Kitty box crunches, although tasty, are not food.

10. I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then re-deposit them after processing, in the back yard.

11. The diaper bin is not a cookie jar.

12. My humans' toothbrushes are for the exclusive use of my humans. If they want me to have one, they'll get me one.

13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, so that when I throw up, my people will not assume I am hemorrhaging.

14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down on rainy days.

15. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

16. I will not steal Mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.

17. The sofa is not a face towel, neither are Mom & Dad's laps.

18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

19. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.

20. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

21. To avoid having a string hang out of my butt, I will not eat mint-flavored dental floss out of the bathroom garbage.

22. I will not consider rolling around in the dirt a necessity first thing after getting a bath.

23. I will remember that sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way to greet visitors.

24. I will not fart in my owner's face while I am sleeping on the pillow next to their heads.

25. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.

26. The toilet bowl is not a magical, never-ending water supply, and just because the water is blue doesn't mean it is cleaner.

27. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is here.

28. I will remember that suddenly turning around and smelling my butt can quickly clear a room, and is thus to be avoided.
Except when in-laws are here.

29. The cat is not a squeaky toy, so when I play with him and when he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

30. Even though he's too chicken to come on Sundays, the mailman WILL be back


Charlie said...

I have duly read these rules to my two hounds and, although they like nary a one, they have agreed to comply.

Yeah, sure. Unmannered beasts.

I am also going to read these to my brother-in-law. Unmannered beast.

Jokemail said...

You remind me Garfield more every day

Jupiter's Girl said...

It was my CAT that ate string and had it dangling from her bum. I got a napkin and grabbed a hold of it, and Lulu took off like a shot out of a gun. There I was left holding a 2-3 foot long (I'm not measuring that, but getting rid of it as soon as I can) stinky string.

There should be a cat covenant as well. Right, Admiral?

Jokemail said...

That's the 2nd time in 3 days you've had me clenching my buttocks, JG

Binty McShae said...

Are you sure number 16 didn't accidentally get transferred from your own personal list of what not to do...?

Jupiter's Girl said...

That's good exercise, JM. You're welcome.

Jokemail said...

I was too busy with your mum's underwear to worry about that Binty.

JG, I'm slowly developing pert buttocks just for you