First Mammogram Practice Exercises
Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there's no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam, and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared. And you can do this right in your own home!
Exercise 1:
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds (while you hold your breath). Repeat again, in case the first time wasn't effective enough.
Exercise 2:
Visit your garage at 3 am when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.
Exercise 3:
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next week and do it again!!
CONGRATULATIONS!
Now you have nothing at all to worry about when you go for your Mammogram!
And just a thought for all you women out there:
MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause. Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men? And when we have real problems, it's HISterectomy!
P.S. Don't forget the "GUY"necologist!
5 comments:
Being MALadjusted, I have never had to practice these things. But I have heard enough real-life stories that I had to pass this on to a few female friends of mine (the link, not just the story). They will either laugh or slam my head in the aforementioned refrigerator.
It was forwarded to me by a woman who insisted that this was less of a joke and more a practical "How to..."
I just hope the same isn't true for testicular cancer examiniations...
I don't tell many people this... I have never had a mammagram. I am a ninny and don't want the torture. What about cancer? I don't know. I feel fine.
My grandmother was 76 when she got her first mammogram and she said "never again". She also got her first surprise rectal exam then and said the doctor was lucky he got his finger back. Not all of the doctors do the rectal poke, but the ones that do, don't tell you they are going to.
I've suddenly noticed my buttocks are clenched...
I forwarded the story to my wife and her two workmates: Apparently, I hit a nerve, and not one of the good nerves. My wife came home and gave me hell for being male, to which I retorted that I had absolutely nothing to do with her having breasts.
That shut her up. If she wants to blame someone for being female, she can blame her parents.
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