Virus warning

If you receive an e-mail entitled 'Badtimes', delete it immediately. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty.

It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

It demagnetises the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It programs your PIN access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you attempt to play.

It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice-cream melts and your milk curdles.

It will program your phone AutoDial to call only 0898 sex line numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

It will drink all your beer.

It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company.

It will replace your shampoo with engine oil and your engine oil with orange juice, all the while dating your current girl/boyfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.

It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye. It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs into passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.

If 'Badtimes' is opened in Windows95/98, it will leave the toilet seat up and your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bath.

If 'Badtimes' is opened in Windows XP or NT it will also molecularly rearrange your aftershave/perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles.

It will install itself into your cistern and lie in wait until someone important, like your boss or girlfriend, does a serious number 2, then block the s-bend and cause your toilet to overflow.

PLEASE FORWARD THIS WARNING TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW.