Hello, my name is Basmati Kippar. I am suffering from rare deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, extreme virginity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not forwarding out 50 billion chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, then that poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed, or that Bill Gates is going to "share his fortune".
Do you honestly believe that the technology exists to somehow track your pathetic emails, and that somehow there is enough money sloshing around in some fund somewhere to cover this pointless exercise? How stupid are you? Ooooh, lookyhere! It's as bad as imagining that Shell Oil can track your car and will send 10p to the third world for every journey you make.
It's like saying "If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every Playboy model in the magazine!" What a pile of bullsh*t. So basically, this message is a big "F*** YOU" to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards.
Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by Jesus in 5A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2003, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity. F*** them.
But wait, it's not enough that some person who barely knows me sends out this excrement. These time wasters do not even think to delete the hundreds of email addresses and legal disclaimers already appended to the text of the message, which itslef lies within approximately ten levels of attachments.
Oh yes, I'm talking to people like you, Lesley Campbell at NetDirect - "Management and Training Consultant" - whose mobile phone number I have now written on numerous toilet walls. Well, it's not going to matter anyway, seeing as 500 people received your wonderful email before I did. A classic example of someone who should know better. Thanks to you and your type of inept IT user, I have harvested precisely 179 email addresses from just one message! I have used them to send this message
to, and I may well abuse them again sometime to make up for all the seconds of my life that were wasted typing this.
Still, I suppose people are always going to forward something, in which case at least send me something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to everyone in your address book (a slight give-away)" emails about 90 times. I don't fucking care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it's your own unpopularity. So for future
reference;
THE FIVE BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS:
Chain Letter Type 1:
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> Make a wish!!!
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> No, really, go on and make one!!!
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> Oh please, they'll never go out with you!!! Wish something else!!!
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> Not that, you pervert!!
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> Is your finger getting tired yet?
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> STOP!!!!
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Wasn't that fun? Hope you made a great wish
Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. It's true! Because, THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!! Here's how it goes:
*Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
*Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
*Send this to 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter, and may form a plot on your life.
* Send this to 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter and will firebomb your house.
Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!
Chain Letter Type 2:
Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents, and no goats. This little boy's life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless, Armless, Goatless Boy from
Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Oh, and remember, we have absolutely no way of counting the e-mails sent and this is all a complete load of bullshit. So go on, reach out.
Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder - if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly. Thanks again!!
Chain Letter Type 3:
Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many sad pricks with nothing better to do. So this is how it works:
Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like:
*Bizarre Horror Story #1
Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of poop, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died. This Could Happen To You!!!
*Bizarre Horror Story #2
Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way). They both died and went to hell and were cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity.
This Could Happen To You Too!!!
Remember, you could end up just like Pinsley and Bip. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be okay.
PS You'll probably receive this email again several times over the next few years as new users are added to the web, and who think they are the first to receive this and will send it on to all their friends. Arseholes.
Chain Letter Type 4:
As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of your friends.
Friends
A friend is someone who is always at your side,
A friend is someone who likes you even though you stink of shit, and your breath smells like you've been eating cat food.
A friend is someone who likes you even though you're as ugly as a hat full of assholes.
A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself.
A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your sad, sad life.
A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be arse-raped by mad chimpanzees, then thrown to vicious dogs.
A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet, vacuums and then gets the cheque and leaves and doesn't speak much English... * no, sorry that's the cleaning lady.
A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters because he wants his wish of being rich to come true.
Now pass this on! If you don't, you'll never have sex ever again.
Chain Letter Type 5
I can't be bothered any more, so let's just say that almost all the so-called virus warnings you'll ever receive from well-meaning but ultimately braindead friends, will be hoaxes. You know, the ones which were only discovered yesterday, can destroy your hard drive, and have no cure. Funnily enough, these messages also state that you should email everyone under the sun with this important information. Thanks but no thanks, dick-weed.
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The point of all this being?
If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny, send it on.
Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth, who's been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years, whose only saviour is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this mail, otherwise you'll end up like Miranda. Right?
Now forward this to everyone you know otherwise you'll have to look at me naked!
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