This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinner. This won first prize.
Christmas with Louise
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty. One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?"
Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."
"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.
"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny! Hang on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.
Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies.
I think Grandpa still calls her.
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Monday, December 19, 2005
'Twas the night before Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite.
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
That was some brothel, he said with a smile,
The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay here awhile.
He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.
A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
This suff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit,
So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split.
He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch,
Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite.
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
That was some brothel, he said with a smile,
The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay here awhile.
He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.
A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
This suff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit,
So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split.
He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch,
Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!
Sunday, December 18, 2005
Christmas Cop
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid says "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well next year, tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid says, "Well next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
The kid says "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well next year, tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid says, "Well next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
Saturday, December 17, 2005
You Know You've Had Too Much Holiday Cheer When....
1. You notice your tie sticking out of your fly.
2. Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.
3. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
4. You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.
5. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
6. You strike a match and light your nose.
7. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.
8. You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"
9. You hear a duck quacking and it's you.
10. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
11. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
12. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.
13. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
14. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of the hall mirror.
15. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
16. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.
18. You're at the dinner table and you ask the hostess to pass a bedpan.
19. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.
20. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
21. You realize you're the only one under the coffee table.
2. Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.
3. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
4. You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.
5. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
6. You strike a match and light your nose.
7. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.
8. You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"
9. You hear a duck quacking and it's you.
10. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
11. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
12. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.
13. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
14. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of the hall mirror.
15. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
16. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.
18. You're at the dinner table and you ask the hostess to pass a bedpan.
19. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.
20. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
21. You realize you're the only one under the coffee table.
Friday, December 16, 2005
Ho Ho Ho!
Santa jumps down the chimney of this house and begins putting the gifts under the tree. Sensing that someone is watching him, Santa turns around to find the lady of the house coming towards him in a scanty negligee`.
She moves towards him, putting her arms around his neck and moving close. She
asks, "Santa, won't you stay awhile?"
Santa says, "HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta get the toys to the kids, ya know!"
The lady then begins nibbling on Santa's ear and running her hands up and down his back, saying, "Santa, you sure you got to go?"
He says again, "HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go, gotta get the toys to the kids, ya know!"
Stepping away from him, this beatiful lady removes the lingerie and standing naked in front of him she pleads, "Santa, please stay awhile."
He says,"HEY, HEY, HEY, Guess I'll stay, I can't get up the chimney with my dick
THIS way!!!!"
She moves towards him, putting her arms around his neck and moving close. She
asks, "Santa, won't you stay awhile?"
Santa says, "HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta get the toys to the kids, ya know!"
The lady then begins nibbling on Santa's ear and running her hands up and down his back, saying, "Santa, you sure you got to go?"
He says again, "HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go, gotta get the toys to the kids, ya know!"
Stepping away from him, this beatiful lady removes the lingerie and standing naked in front of him she pleads, "Santa, please stay awhile."
He says,"HEY, HEY, HEY, Guess I'll stay, I can't get up the chimney with my dick
THIS way!!!!"
Thursday, December 15, 2005
Top of the Tree
Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere.
Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind
schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.
More Stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the
house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the he kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had
eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door.
He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"
And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.
Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind
schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.
More Stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the
house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the he kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had
eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door.
He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"
And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
It must be great being a man...
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
You can open all your own jars.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this ones just too icky.
Same work...more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding Dress $5,000; Tux rental $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood, ALL the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can do your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, December 24th, in 45 minutes.
The world is your urinal
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
You can open all your own jars.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this ones just too icky.
Same work...more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding Dress $5,000; Tux rental $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood, ALL the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can do your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, December 24th, in 45 minutes.
The world is your urinal
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Dog Christmases
I'm off to a foreign climate for the best part of a week, so I've left you half a dozen festive images to be getting on with!
Monday, December 12, 2005
Sunday, December 11, 2005
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)