Osama Bin Laden thought it is time to send George W Bush a reminder that he is still at large and well alive. So George received a text message reading: 370H55V 0773H - Osama.
George Bush reads it and do not understand, so in order find some help and not to appear dumber than he is, he call his Cabinet at the White House; Donald Rumsfeld on seeing it throw his hands in the air asking why he is asked to decipher - 'you know that I can only see what I want to see, George!' - Colin Powel and the rest take it a little more seriously but whatever amount of thinking they put in, they cannot crack the message. It has to go to CIA, and then down FBI, they called on some cyber-enciphers with various defence industries before considering calling Tony for help with our spooks.
But no one can make sense of it; in desperation it is send to Mossad. At first it circulates amongst 'the best' without luck; but not wanting to appear dumber then anyone else it is circulated around all departments in the organisation and Moshe Nahum, a small peg at almost the bottom of the heap, sees it and said: tell the President that he is reading the message upside down!
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Babies
Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?"
"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.
"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.
"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.
"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling, "I'll climb into your crib and find out."
The baby carefully maneuvered itself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of minutes, it resurfaced with a big grin on its face. "You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.
"You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"
"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've got pink socks and I've got blue ones."
Shame on you - what were you thinking?
"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.
"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.
"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.
"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling, "I'll climb into your crib and find out."
The baby carefully maneuvered itself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of minutes, it resurfaced with a big grin on its face. "You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.
"You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"
"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've got pink socks and I've got blue ones."
Shame on you - what were you thinking?
Monday, October 16, 2006
One Click...
Apparently this is a real-life incident, as told by the buddy of a regular reader of Joke Mail.
There was to be a massive fire-fighting exercise at the naval base camp. Everyone was to treat the drill like a real fire situation.
Soon the alarm went off and soldiers were seen running in every direction. The captain of a team ordered 3 men to run off to the engine house to turn off the gas supply. Being fresh recruits, they said that they may not know how to operate the switch.
"JUST FOLLOW THE INSTRUCTIONS ON THE BUTTON DAMMIT! HOW WRONG CAN YOU GET?! THERE'S ONLY A ONE-CLICK BUTTON IN THE DAMN BOX DAMNIT!" the captain yelled as they scurried off to find the gas supply room.
After 5 mins of searching, they found the gas room with a single switch box right at the end of the room.
They opened the box and stared at each other in shock. As the captain had said, there was really only a single red button with the instructions on it. After much deliberation, they had no choice but to follow the instructions and flee the place.
No one said anything until later that afternoon when they found out from the older guys that the letter "C" had actually fallen off.
With thanks to /77!cH3//3 for this one
There was to be a massive fire-fighting exercise at the naval base camp. Everyone was to treat the drill like a real fire situation.
Soon the alarm went off and soldiers were seen running in every direction. The captain of a team ordered 3 men to run off to the engine house to turn off the gas supply. Being fresh recruits, they said that they may not know how to operate the switch.
"JUST FOLLOW THE INSTRUCTIONS ON THE BUTTON DAMMIT! HOW WRONG CAN YOU GET?! THERE'S ONLY A ONE-CLICK BUTTON IN THE DAMN BOX DAMNIT!" the captain yelled as they scurried off to find the gas supply room.
After 5 mins of searching, they found the gas room with a single switch box right at the end of the room.
They opened the box and stared at each other in shock. As the captain had said, there was really only a single red button with the instructions on it. After much deliberation, they had no choice but to follow the instructions and flee the place.
No one said anything until later that afternoon when they found out from the older guys that the letter "C" had actually fallen off.
With thanks to /77!cH3//3 for this one
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Saturday, October 14, 2006
Inner Peace
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we all could use calmer lives.
By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace.
Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace was to finish all the things you have started.
So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished; and before leaving the house this morning I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bottle of Baileys, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, a bar of
Galaxy, the remainder of the Valium prescriptions, the rest of the cheesecake, Doritos and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how good I feel.
By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace.
Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace was to finish all the things you have started.
So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished; and before leaving the house this morning I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bottle of Baileys, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, a bar of
Galaxy, the remainder of the Valium prescriptions, the rest of the cheesecake, Doritos and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how good I feel.
Friday, October 13, 2006
Spoon
A man and his wife were in a fancy resturant. While ordering, they noticed that the waiter had a spoon in his shirt pocket, and after looking around, they observed the other waiters and busboys each had a similar spoon. So the husband says, "what's with the spoon?"
The waiter said, "well, we had this company come in and evaluate our time management and they found that people drop their spoon 74.8% more often than any other utensil. So if we carry one with us, we can reduce the trips back to the kitchen by 3 hours per shift.
The husband was impressed. Sure enough, he dropped his spoon during dinner and the waiter replaced it with his, stating, "I'll just get another when I go to the kitchen for something else".
While ordering dessert, the husband noted that the waiter had a very thin string hanging from the fly of his pants, as did the other waiters, so the husband asks, "hey, there's a string on your pants".
The waiter tells him, "not all my customers are as observant as you... the same company found that we can reduce the amount of time spent in the bathroom by 2 hours each shift if we tie a string around the end of you-know-what, and when we have to go we just unzip and pull it out with the string completely eliminating the need to wash up and saving time."
The husband was impressed, but asked, "it's a good idea but how do you get it back in your pants?".
The waiter leaned close and whispered, " well I don't know about the rest of them, but personally I use the spoon."
With thanks to /77!cH3//3 for this one
The waiter said, "well, we had this company come in and evaluate our time management and they found that people drop their spoon 74.8% more often than any other utensil. So if we carry one with us, we can reduce the trips back to the kitchen by 3 hours per shift.
The husband was impressed. Sure enough, he dropped his spoon during dinner and the waiter replaced it with his, stating, "I'll just get another when I go to the kitchen for something else".
While ordering dessert, the husband noted that the waiter had a very thin string hanging from the fly of his pants, as did the other waiters, so the husband asks, "hey, there's a string on your pants".
The waiter tells him, "not all my customers are as observant as you... the same company found that we can reduce the amount of time spent in the bathroom by 2 hours each shift if we tie a string around the end of you-know-what, and when we have to go we just unzip and pull it out with the string completely eliminating the need to wash up and saving time."
The husband was impressed, but asked, "it's a good idea but how do you get it back in your pants?".
The waiter leaned close and whispered, " well I don't know about the rest of them, but personally I use the spoon."
With thanks to /77!cH3//3 for this one
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Sex Vs Dancing
A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding, meets with their rabbi for counseling.
The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
The man asks,"Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together."
"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always
dance separately."
"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"
"No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden."
"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"
"Of course!" replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah within marriage, to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man.
"No problem," says the rabbi. "It's a mitzvah!"
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"
"On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"
"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"
"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"
"Can we do it standing up?"
"NO, NO, NO!" cries the rabbi.
"Why not?" asks the man.
"Could lead to dancing."
The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
The man asks,"Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together."
"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always
dance separately."
"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"
"No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden."
"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"
"Of course!" replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah within marriage, to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man.
"No problem," says the rabbi. "It's a mitzvah!"
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"
"On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"
"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"
"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"
"Can we do it standing up?"
"NO, NO, NO!" cries the rabbi.
"Why not?" asks the man.
"Could lead to dancing."
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
The Usual Day
Wake up,
Nokia, Colgate, Nescafe, Kraft, Orbit.
Renault, Compaq, Epson, Nokia, Nokia, Nokia.
McDonalds, Coca-Cola, Orbit.
Compaq, Epson, Nokia, Nokia, Nokia. Renault.
Carlsberg.
Carlsberg-Carlsberg-Carlsberg-Carlsberg.
Nokia... Nokia.
Durex.
Colgate.
Day is over
Nokia, Colgate, Nescafe, Kraft, Orbit.
Renault, Compaq, Epson, Nokia, Nokia, Nokia.
McDonalds, Coca-Cola, Orbit.
Compaq, Epson, Nokia, Nokia, Nokia. Renault.
Carlsberg.
Carlsberg-Carlsberg-Carlsberg-Carlsberg.
Nokia... Nokia.
Durex.
Colgate.
Day is over
Monday, October 09, 2006
Random Q & A
Q) What's the best form of birth control after 50?
(A) Nudity
(Q) What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
(A) 45 lbs
(Q) What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
(A) 45 minutes
(Q) What's the fastest way to a man's heart?"
(A) Through his chest with a sharp knife.
(Q) What do you call a smart blonde?
(A) A golden retriever
(Q) Why did OJ Simpson move to W. Virginia?
(A) Everyone has the same DNA.
(Q) What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
(A) A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the
cage along with a recipe.
(Q) What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
(A) A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time". A southern fairytale begins
"Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.
(A) Nudity
(Q) What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
(A) 45 lbs
(Q) What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
(A) 45 minutes
(Q) What's the fastest way to a man's heart?"
(A) Through his chest with a sharp knife.
(Q) What do you call a smart blonde?
(A) A golden retriever
(Q) Why did OJ Simpson move to W. Virginia?
(A) Everyone has the same DNA.
(Q) What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
(A) A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the
cage along with a recipe.
(Q) What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
(A) A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time". A southern fairytale begins
"Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.
Sunday, October 08, 2006
Another Male Survey
A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night:
5% said it was to get a glass of water
12% said it was to go to the toilet
83% said it was to go home
5% said it was to get a glass of water
12% said it was to go to the toilet
83% said it was to go home
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