Saturday, November 19, 2005
Friday, November 18, 2005
90 year old father?
After marrying a sweet young woman, a 90 year old geezer told his doctor
that they were expecting a baby.
"Let me tell you a story," said the doctor. "An absent-minded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella. Suddenly a bear charged him. Pointing his umbrella at the bear, he shot and killed it on the spot."
"Impossible!" the geezer exclaimed. "Somebody else must have shot that bear."
"Exactly," replied the doctor.
that they were expecting a baby.
"Let me tell you a story," said the doctor. "An absent-minded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella. Suddenly a bear charged him. Pointing his umbrella at the bear, he shot and killed it on the spot."
"Impossible!" the geezer exclaimed. "Somebody else must have shot that bear."
"Exactly," replied the doctor.
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Monday, November 14, 2005
Who said chauvanism was dead?
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? -- 45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? -- 45 mins.
What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? -- Sexual Harassment
What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? -- $3.99 a minute.
How can you tell if your wife is dead? -- The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
How can you tell if your husband is dead? -- The sex is the same, but you get the remote.
What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme? -- Humpme Dumpme.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart? -- Through his chest with a sharp knife.
What have men and floor tiles got in common? -- If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking? -- Because those men already have boyfriends.
What is a man's view of safe sex? -- A padded headboard.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? - after a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? -- The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? -- The guy who can have a cup of coffee in each hand and still carry a dozen donuts.
Who is the most popular woman at the nudist colony? -- The woman who ate the last donut.
What is the difference between a battery and a woman? -- A battery hasa positive side.
A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest breasts? -- The blonde, because she's 18.
Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? -- When you take it off you wonder where the breasts went.
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? -- Two mothers-in-law.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? -- 45 mins.
What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? -- Sexual Harassment
What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? -- $3.99 a minute.
How can you tell if your wife is dead? -- The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
How can you tell if your husband is dead? -- The sex is the same, but you get the remote.
What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme? -- Humpme Dumpme.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart? -- Through his chest with a sharp knife.
What have men and floor tiles got in common? -- If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking? -- Because those men already have boyfriends.
What is a man's view of safe sex? -- A padded headboard.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? - after a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? -- The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? -- The guy who can have a cup of coffee in each hand and still carry a dozen donuts.
Who is the most popular woman at the nudist colony? -- The woman who ate the last donut.
What is the difference between a battery and a woman? -- A battery hasa positive side.
A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest breasts? -- The blonde, because she's 18.
Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? -- When you take it off you wonder where the breasts went.
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? -- Two mothers-in-law.
Sunday, November 13, 2005
Saturday, November 12, 2005
Friday, November 11, 2005
Astrological light-bulb changing
How many members of your star sign does it take to change a light bulb?
ARIES: Just one. You want to make something of it?
TAURUS: One, but just try to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.
GEMINI: Two, but the job never gets done -- they just keep discussing who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!
CANCER: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grieving process.
LEO: Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out.
VIRGO: Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- one millionth.
LIBRA: Er, two. Or maybe one. No, on second thought, make that two. Is that okay with you?
SCORPIO: That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.
SAGITTARIUS: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
CAPRICORN: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.
AQUARIUS: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so....
PISCES: Light bulb? What light bulb?
ARIES: Just one. You want to make something of it?
TAURUS: One, but just try to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.
GEMINI: Two, but the job never gets done -- they just keep discussing who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!
CANCER: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grieving process.
LEO: Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out.
VIRGO: Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- one millionth.
LIBRA: Er, two. Or maybe one. No, on second thought, make that two. Is that okay with you?
SCORPIO: That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.
SAGITTARIUS: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
CAPRICORN: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.
AQUARIUS: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so....
PISCES: Light bulb? What light bulb?
Thursday, November 10, 2005
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
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