The Montana State Department of Fish & Wildlife is advising golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Gallatin, Helena & Lewis & Clark National Forests golf courses.
They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity. Golfers should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings on the golf course. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper spray.
Saturday, July 29, 2006
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Kids Answers
Children's Science Exam Answers. These are real answers given by children.
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen).
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Cesarean Section"
A: The Cesarean Section is a district in Rome.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen).
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Cesarean Section"
A: The Cesarean Section is a district in Rome.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
George & the Queen
At his meeting with Queen Elizabeth last night, George W. Bush turned to the Queen and said: "As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how my great country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom."
The Queen replied "I'm sorry Mr Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."
George Bush thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?"
To which the Queen replied "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr Bush."
George thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"
The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replied "Sorry again, Mr Bush, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor."
Before George W could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country.
The Queen replied "I'm sorry Mr Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."
George Bush thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?"
To which the Queen replied "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr Bush."
George thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"
The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replied "Sorry again, Mr Bush, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor."
Before George W could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
The Elmo Misunderstanding
A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo toy factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem.
Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.
The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
The next day at 8:45AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem.
Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.
The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
Monday, July 24, 2006
Dafinitions
"Dafinitions" are created by taking a word from the dictionary, changing a letter or two, and then supplying a new definition. Here are some classic examples:
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray painted very, very high.
Arachnoleptic fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.
Decafalon: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Caterpallor: The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray painted very, very high.
Arachnoleptic fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.
Decafalon: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Caterpallor: The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
Sunday, July 23, 2006
If College Students Wrote the Bible
Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.
The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning--cold.
The Ten Commandments would actually be only five--double-spaced and written in a large font and a new edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling.
Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.
Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's email to abuse@romans.gov.
Reason Cain killed Abel: they were roommates.
Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: they didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen.
The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning--cold.
The Ten Commandments would actually be only five--double-spaced and written in a large font and a new edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling.
Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.
Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's email to abuse@romans.gov.
Reason Cain killed Abel: they were roommates.
Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: they didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen.
Saturday, July 22, 2006
Electric Chair
Three women went to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, got drunk, and woke up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and asked if she has any last words. She said, "I just graduated from Brigham Young University and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."
They threw the switch and nothing happened. They immediately fell to the floor on their knees; begging for her forgiveness, and released her.
The second one, a brunette, was strapped in and her last words were, "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."
They threw the switch and, again, not hing happened. They fell to their knees; begged for her forgiveness, and released her.
The last one, a blonde, was strapped in and said, "Well, I'm from the University of Arkansas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, y'all ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in!"
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and asked if she has any last words. She said, "I just graduated from Brigham Young University and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."
They threw the switch and nothing happened. They immediately fell to the floor on their knees; begging for her forgiveness, and released her.
The second one, a brunette, was strapped in and her last words were, "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."
They threw the switch and, again, not hing happened. They fell to their knees; begged for her forgiveness, and released her.
The last one, a blonde, was strapped in and said, "Well, I'm from the University of Arkansas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, y'all ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in!"
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Cat Heaven
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."
The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."
God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.
The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates we would not have to run again."
God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"
The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"
The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."
God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.
The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates we would not have to run again."
God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"
The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
25 Signs That You've Grown Up
1. Your house plants are alive and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hookup" and "break up."
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed-up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate her instead of asking "Oh shit, what the hell happened?"
Bonus:
26. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass.
Then you forward it to a bunch of old friends cause you know they'll enjoy it too.
Never take your days for granted nor the people in your life.
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
We are not young
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
---
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
---
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
---
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
---
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
---
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week "
---
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
---
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
---
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
---
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
---
Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
---
THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
---
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
---
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
---
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
---
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
---
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week "
---
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
---
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
---
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
---
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
---
Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
---
THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
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