Jammed printer

Hello, Tech Support?

Yup

Can you come and fix the printer? It's jammed...

OK, can you confirm the make of printer?

HP443 CTR B16

And the problem?

It's the mouse, it's stopping everything.

Is the cursor frozen on screen?

No, no, it's the mouse - it's stuck...

Don't Mess With Old Ladies

An old lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Old Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Old Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Old Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Old Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Old Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Old Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Old Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Old Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Old woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Old Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Old Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Old Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

The 10 Commandments of Marriage

Commandment 1.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2.
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3.
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7.

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9.
Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry.
That is why a wife treats a husband like toxic waste.

Commandment 10.
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished..


Bonus Commandment story:

A long married couple came upon a wishing well.
The wife leaned over, made a wish, and threw in a penny.
The husband decided to make a wish, too.
But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled.

With thanks to Cappy for this one.

Kids know the answers

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
Maria:Here is it.
TEACHER:Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS:Maria.
-----

TEACHER:Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK:Because of the sign.
TEACHER:What sign?
FRANK:The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
-----

TEACHER:John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the Floor?
JOHN:You told me to do it without using tables.
-----


TEACHER:Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
TEACHER:No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

-----

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD:Yesterday you said it's H to O.
-----

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE:Me!
-----

TEACHER:Glen, Why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN:Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
-----

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE:Iis...
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
-----

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS:Because George still had the ax in his hand.
-----

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON:No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
-----

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's.
Did you copy his?
CLYDE:No, teacher, it's the same dog.
_-----

TEACHER:Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are
no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.

Weight loss program

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads: "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised.

He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads: "If you catch me you can have me."

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her; but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself to discover that he has lost another 20 lb. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 lb. program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone - "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies,"I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 6ft 6 in black man standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads:, "I'm Leroy. If I catch you, you're mine..."

Who to marry - kids' views

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
(written by kids)

(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10


WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
-- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)


HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8


WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

(1) Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8


WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10


WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9


WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

(9) When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

(3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

(1 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

(1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8


And the #1 Favorite is........

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

(1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

Nursing Home Police

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home,taking corners on one wheel, and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the men actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when Fast Eddie outstretched his hand.

"STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit-Kat wrapper, and held it up to him.

"OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP!" "Have you got proof of insurance?"

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it up to him.

Harold nodded, and said "Carry on, ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, with a very sizable erection.

"Oh, good grief," cried Ethel, "Not the Breathalyser again!"

Two Whales

Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean.

Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance. He recognizes it as the whaling ship that killed his father.

Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, "That's the ship that killed my father!

Let's swim closer!"

When they were close enough, the male said, "Why don't we swim under the ship and blow air through our blow holes and break the ship into a million pieces? That will be sweet revenge." And the female agreed to this.

So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship, and blew enormous amounts of air under the ship.

The ship flew into the air and crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces.

The pair of whales started to swim off when they realized that the sailors were not dead, but clinging to pieces of wood and floating in the ocean.

The male whale was furious and said to the female whale, "They're still alive, but I've got another idea. Let's swim around and gulp up all the sailors!"

That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at the male and said, "Oh no... I agreed to the blow job but I'm NOT swallowing the seamen"

Tragedy?

Tony Blair was visiting a school the other day when a Teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead in a discussion on the word "Tragedy". So the PM asked the class for an example of "Tragedy".

One little boy stood up and said, "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in a field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," said Blair, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand. "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained the Dear Leader, "that would be a great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Blair looked all round the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand and in a quiet voice said, "If an aircraft carrying you, Mr Blair, was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and was blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Blair. "And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," said the boy, "It has to be a tragedy as it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wasn't an accident either!".

Romance on a Dark Stormy Night

They were together in the House.

Just the two of them.

It was a cold, dark, stormy night.

The storm had come quickly and each time the thunder boomed he watched her jump.

She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance...

And wished that he would take her in his arms, comfort her and protect her from the storm.

She wanted that... more than anything ..

Suddenly, with a pop, the power went out... She screamed...

He raced to the sofa where she was cowering.

He didn't hesitate to pull her into his arms.

He knew this was a forbidden union and expected her to pull back.

He was surprised when she didn't resist but instead clung to him.

The storm raged on...as did their growing passion.

And there came a moment when each knew that they had to be together.

They knew it was wrong...

Their families would never understand...

So consumed were they in their passion that they heard no opening of doors...

just the faint click of a camera......






With thanks to Jupiter's Girl for this one