Saturday, April 15, 2006

Pregnancy Q & A

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?

A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?

A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.

A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?

A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?

A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?

A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?

A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?

A: When the kids are in college.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

You know you're a nurse if...

You know you're a nurse if...

1. You believe every patient needs TLC ... thorazine, Lorazepam and Compazine...
2. You would like to meet the inventor of the call light some night in a dark alley....
3. You believe not all patients are annoying .... some are unconscious.......
4. Your sense of humour gets more "warped" each year....
5. You know the phone number of every late night delivery place by heart.......
6. You can only tell time with a 24 hour clock.....
7. Almost everything can seem humorous...eventually...
8. When asked "What colour is the patient's diarrhoea?" show them your shoes!
9. Every time you walk you make a rattling noise because of all the scissors and clamps in your pockets.........
10. You can tell the pharmacist more about the medicine he is dispensing than he knows...
11. You carry more "spare" meds in your pocket rather than wait for pharmacy to deliver.........
12. You refuse to watch ER because it's too much like the real thing and triggers "flashbacks."
13. You check the caller ID when the phone rings on your day off to see if someone from the hospital is trying to call to ask you to work.
14. You've been telling stories in a restaurant and had someone at another table throw up....
15. You notice that you use more four letter words now than before you became a nurse...
16. Every time someone asks you for a pen, you can find at least three of them on you.
17. You don't get excited about blood unless it's your own...........
18. You live by the motto, " to be right is only half the battle, to convince the physician is more difficult."
19. You've basted your thanksgiving turkey with a Toomey syringe.......
20. You avoid unhealthy looking shoppers in the mall for fear that they'll drop near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off...
21. You've told a confused patient your name was that of your co-worker and to HOLLER if they need help...
22. Eating microwave popcorn out of a clean bedpan is perfectly normal....
23. Your bladder can expand to the size of a Winnebago's water tank......
24. When checking the level of orientation of a patient you aren't sure of the answer...
25. You find yourself checking out other customer's veins in grocery waiting lines...
26. You can sleep soundly at the hospital cafeteria table during dinner break, sitting up and not be embarrassed when you wake up........
27. You've sworn to have "DNR" tattooed on your chest...

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Do You Know Jack Schitt?

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep &. Schitt Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living With them she wanted to keep her previous name.
She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Piza Schitt.

So now if someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them. Not only do you know Jack, you know his whole family!

Monday, April 10, 2006


Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers "Yes".

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? "

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to register our gifts for the wedding list in your shop "

Sunday, April 09, 2006

A Good Salesman

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"

The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says "$101,237.64"

Boss says "101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing."