Tuesday, November 08, 2005

The Legless Parrot (one of my all-time favourite jokes)

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh. I wonder what happened to this Parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy shit," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot.” I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?", the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my willie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow" says the guy, "you really can understand and speak English, can't you!?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200 price tag.” Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst" says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he
sympathizes, and he's insightful.

The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes "Psssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over" reported the parrot.

"My God!" he exclaims. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nightie, got down on his knees and began to lick her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down..."

"WELL???" demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."


the anti-barney said...

Fucking excellent,I've told it
twice already today.

Gorilla Bananas said...


Kim Ayres said...

I genuinely smirk every time I read it!

SafeTinspector said...

heh-heh. I'll have to tell you my chicken joke sometime.

Kim Ayres said...

I'm all ears!

Well, partly ears.

OK, just two of them, not particularly big and only one on each side of my head.

Anonymous said...

Actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have
>made to their passengers...

1) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move
>ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message
>to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put
>the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away from the door
>before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways!"
>2) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed
>on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's
>only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."

SafeTinspector said...

Alright. Stop me if you heard this one:
A trucker named Bob is talking with his friends and one of them recommends a brothel that Bob will be driving near in a week or so.

A week goes by and Bob finds himself near the brothel, but realises all he has is $20.

He enters and tells the madame that her establishment comes highly recommended, but that all he has is $20. What could she do for him?

Nothing, she says, none of her girls are that cheap. But, she says after realizing how disappointed he was, there is a special on fucking a chicken.

At first he is quite reluctant, but this brothel came quite well recommended. So he gave her $20 and was directed to go through the last door at the end of the hallway.

In the room was a table, some soft lighting, mirrors, sexy music and a chicken. The chicken seemed to be making eyes at Bob. Soon he was turned on, and began petting the chicken. Nuzzling the chicken. Aroused now, he made his move and began fucking the chicken in earnest. Feathers flew everywhere and the chicken clucked desperately...or was it ecstatically? No matter. When Bob climaxed, he tossed the spent chicken onto the table, pulled up his pants and left.
Passing the madame on the way out, he thanked her and told her he would come back in a few days when his truck route dictated.

A few days later he returned and approached the madame. She told him that the chicken, succoming to various internal injuries following its encounter with Bob, had passed away and was no longer available to do tricks.
Crestfallen, Bob was about to leave when the madame took pity.
Tell you what, she said, we have a special tonight. For twenty dollars you can watch two lesbian clowns having sex for as long as you want.
Not the chicken he was hoping for, Bob felt as if the Madame had not steered him wrong last time, so he paid up and made his way to the second-to-last door in the hallway.

Inside was a room with theater seating and several men already in attendance. He took his seat and looked through a window at a lesbian couple in clown-face having wild wild sex.
After a few minutes Bob realized he was enjoying himself profusely. He leaned towards the fellow sitting next to him and said, "Man, I love this place. Its different, but its fun!"
The man nodded and replied, "Yeah, this is pretty good. But you should've been here last week. There was a guy in there fucking a chicken!"

Kim Ayres said...

About half way through, I realised that I had heard it before, but no matter, it is a good one.

Thanks SafeT!

SafeTinspector said...

I can't recall where I heard it myself. It was a number of years ago.