The following are different answers given by school-age children to the given questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Think about it, it was the best way to get more people.
3. Mostly to clean the house.
4. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. He made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world, and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string I think.
What kind of little girl was your Mom?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
How did your Mom meet your dad?
1. Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.
What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your Mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
What makes a real woman?
1. It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dads such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just got to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you gotta ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What's the difference between moms and grandmas?
1. About 30 years.
2. You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes moms don't even have bread!
Describe the world's greatest Mom?
1. She would make broccoli taste like ice cream!
2. The greatest Mom in the world wouldn't make me kiss my fat aunts!
3. She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.
Is anything about your Mom perfect?
1. Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the dentist.
2. Her casserole recipes. But we hate them.
3. Just her children
What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye-it, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Monday, October 02, 2006
Sunday, October 01, 2006
School Automated Answering Service
This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework.
The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough schoolwork to pass their classes.
The outgoing message: "Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:
* To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
* To make excuses for why your child did not do his work- Press 2
* To complain about what we do - Press 3
* To swear at staff members - Press 4
* To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
* If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
* If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
* To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8
* To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
* To complain about school lunches - Press 0
* If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and Have a nice day!
The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough schoolwork to pass their classes.
The outgoing message: "Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:
* To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
* To make excuses for why your child did not do his work- Press 2
* To complain about what we do - Press 3
* To swear at staff members - Press 4
* To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
* If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
* If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
* To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8
* To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
* To complain about school lunches - Press 0
* If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and Have a nice day!
Saturday, September 30, 2006
The Athiest and the Bear
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.
"What majestic trees!
What powerful rivers!
What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes.
Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path.
Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.
He tripped and fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.
At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..."
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
It was then that bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying, "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out.
And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke,
"Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful."
"What majestic trees!
What powerful rivers!
What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes.
Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path.
Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.
He tripped and fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.
At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..."
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
It was then that bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying, "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out.
And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke,
"Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful."
Friday, September 29, 2006
Vampire bragging
Three vampires were on a tree, each bragging about being the best vampire of the three. All of the sudden, Vampire A flew away and came back within 10 seconds. His mouth was so full with fresh blood, excess of the blood were dripping from his mouth.
Vampire A : “You see that house?”
Vampire B : “Ya I saw.”
Vampire C : “Ya I saw.”
Vampire A : “I sucked all their blood.”
Vampire B then flew out of the tree, and came back in 5 seconds. Blood dripped from his mouth too.
Vampire B : “You see that village?”
Vampire A : “Ya I saw.”
Vampire C : “Ya I saw.”
Vampire B : “I sucked all their blood.”
Vampire C then flew out of the tree, and came back in 2 seconds. Blood dripped not only from his mouth too, but was also all over his face.
Vampire C : “You see that tree there?”
Vampire A : “Ya I saw.”
Vampire B : “Ya I saw.”
Vampire C : “I didn’t.”
With thanks to /77!cH3//3 for that one
Vampire A : “You see that house?”
Vampire B : “Ya I saw.”
Vampire C : “Ya I saw.”
Vampire A : “I sucked all their blood.”
Vampire B then flew out of the tree, and came back in 5 seconds. Blood dripped from his mouth too.
Vampire B : “You see that village?”
Vampire A : “Ya I saw.”
Vampire C : “Ya I saw.”
Vampire B : “I sucked all their blood.”
Vampire C then flew out of the tree, and came back in 2 seconds. Blood dripped not only from his mouth too, but was also all over his face.
Vampire C : “You see that tree there?”
Vampire A : “Ya I saw.”
Vampire B : “Ya I saw.”
Vampire C : “I didn’t.”
With thanks to /77!cH3//3 for that one
Thursday, September 28, 2006
The saga of management reviews of reports
Question: How many feet do mice have?
Original reply: Mice have four feet.
Managment comment: Elaborate.
Revision 1: Mice have five appendages, four of which are feet.
Managment comment: No discussion of fifth apendage.
Revision 2: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet and one is tail.
Managment comment: What? Feet without legs?
Revision 3: Mice have four legs, four feet, and one tail per mouse.
Managment comment: Confusing. Is that a total of 9 appendages?
Revision 4: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail per body.
Managment comment: Does not fully discuss the issue.
Revision 5: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each leg is equipped with a foot at the end opposite to the body; the tail is not equipped with a foot.
Managment comment: Descriptive but not decisive.
Revision 6: Allotment for mice will be:
FOUR LEG_FOOT ASSEMBLIES, ONE TAIL.
Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would constitute misappointment of scare appendage assets.
Managment comment: Too authoritative, stifles creativities.
Revision 7: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system. Also attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non functional and ornamental in nature.
Managment comment: Too verbose and scientific. Answer the question.
Final Revision: Mice have four feet.
Managment comment: Approved.
Original reply: Mice have four feet.
Managment comment: Elaborate.
Revision 1: Mice have five appendages, four of which are feet.
Managment comment: No discussion of fifth apendage.
Revision 2: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet and one is tail.
Managment comment: What? Feet without legs?
Revision 3: Mice have four legs, four feet, and one tail per mouse.
Managment comment: Confusing. Is that a total of 9 appendages?
Revision 4: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail per body.
Managment comment: Does not fully discuss the issue.
Revision 5: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each leg is equipped with a foot at the end opposite to the body; the tail is not equipped with a foot.
Managment comment: Descriptive but not decisive.
Revision 6: Allotment for mice will be:
FOUR LEG_FOOT ASSEMBLIES, ONE TAIL.
Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would constitute misappointment of scare appendage assets.
Managment comment: Too authoritative, stifles creativities.
Revision 7: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system. Also attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non functional and ornamental in nature.
Managment comment: Too verbose and scientific. Answer the question.
Final Revision: Mice have four feet.
Managment comment: Approved.
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Men & Marriage
He said - I don't now why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said - You wear pants don't you?
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said - That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa.
He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
On a wall in a ladies room - "My husband follows me everywhere"
Written just below it - " I do not"
Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.
Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.
Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.
Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.
Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and
good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
She said - You wear pants don't you?
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said - That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa.
He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
On a wall in a ladies room - "My husband follows me everywhere"
Written just below it - " I do not"
Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.
Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.
Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.
Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.
Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and
good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Monday, September 25, 2006
Catchphrase
Did you ever used to watch Catchphrase?
Would you have wanted to be the contestant when this picture came up?
Look at the picture first; it should only take you a second to come up with an answer.
Then scroll down for the ‘correct’ answer.
And remember:
Say what you see !!!!
It’s good, but it’s not right…
The correct answer was "Holding down a job", you sick pervert.
Would you have wanted to be the contestant when this picture came up?
Look at the picture first; it should only take you a second to come up with an answer.
Then scroll down for the ‘correct’ answer.
And remember:
Say what you see !!!!
It’s good, but it’s not right…
The correct answer was "Holding down a job", you sick pervert.
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Talking Clock
Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously? asked his astonished friend.
"Yup," replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the 2nd guest asked, squinting at it.
"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "You asshole .... it's ten past three in the morning!"
"What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously? asked his astonished friend.
"Yup," replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the 2nd guest asked, squinting at it.
"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "You asshole .... it's ten past three in the morning!"
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