It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?
Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother.
The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!"
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Monday, October 23, 2006
Pothole
After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window. The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole.
As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic. "Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?" she says.
"We were just playing church mommy," he said. "And I was just baptizing him.....
In the name of the Father, the Son and in...the hole-he-goes."
As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic. "Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?" she says.
"We were just playing church mommy," he said. "And I was just baptizing him.....
In the name of the Father, the Son and in...the hole-he-goes."
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Test for Dementia:
Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately.
OK?
Let's find out just how clever you really are.
First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person.
What position are you in?
Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong!
If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!
Try not to screw up in the next question.
To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question.
Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?
You're not very good at this! Are you?
Third Question:
Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only.
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000 Now add 10. What is the total?
Scroll down for answer.
Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100.
Don't believe it? Check with your calculator!
Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?
Answer: Nunu?
NO! Of course not. Her name is Mary. Read the question again.
Okay, now the bonus round.
There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of
sunglasses, how should he express himself?
He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple.
OK?
Let's find out just how clever you really are.
First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person.
What position are you in?
Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong!
If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!
Try not to screw up in the next question.
To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question.
Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?
You're not very good at this! Are you?
Third Question:
Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only.
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000 Now add 10. What is the total?
Scroll down for answer.
Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100.
Don't believe it? Check with your calculator!
Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?
Answer: Nunu?
NO! Of course not. Her name is Mary. Read the question again.
Okay, now the bonus round.
There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of
sunglasses, how should he express himself?
He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple.
Saturday, October 21, 2006
Friday, October 20, 2006
A Blonde in the Casino
An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived and bet twenty-thousand Euros (Eu.20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude".
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY -
Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude".
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY -
Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Men are like...
Men are like - Laxatives: They irritate the shit out of you.
Men are like - Bananas: The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like - Vacations: They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like - Weather: Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like - Blenders: You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like - Chocolate Bars: Sweet, smooth, &they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like - Commercials: You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like - Department Stores: Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
Men are like - Government Bonds: They take soooooooo long to mature.
Men are like - Mascara: They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like - Popcorn: They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like - Snowstorms: You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
Men are like - Lava Lamps: Fun to look at, but not very bright.
Don't worry guys, I've got Blonde Joke lined up for tomorrow
Men are like - Bananas: The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like - Vacations: They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like - Weather: Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like - Blenders: You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like - Chocolate Bars: Sweet, smooth, &they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like - Commercials: You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like - Department Stores: Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
Men are like - Government Bonds: They take soooooooo long to mature.
Men are like - Mascara: They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like - Popcorn: They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like - Snowstorms: You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
Men are like - Lava Lamps: Fun to look at, but not very bright.
Don't worry guys, I've got Blonde Joke lined up for tomorrow
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Texting
Osama Bin Laden thought it is time to send George W Bush a reminder that he is still at large and well alive. So George received a text message reading: 370H55V 0773H - Osama.
George Bush reads it and do not understand, so in order find some help and not to appear dumber than he is, he call his Cabinet at the White House; Donald Rumsfeld on seeing it throw his hands in the air asking why he is asked to decipher - 'you know that I can only see what I want to see, George!' - Colin Powel and the rest take it a little more seriously but whatever amount of thinking they put in, they cannot crack the message. It has to go to CIA, and then down FBI, they called on some cyber-enciphers with various defence industries before considering calling Tony for help with our spooks.
But no one can make sense of it; in desperation it is send to Mossad. At first it circulates amongst 'the best' without luck; but not wanting to appear dumber then anyone else it is circulated around all departments in the organisation and Moshe Nahum, a small peg at almost the bottom of the heap, sees it and said: tell the President that he is reading the message upside down!
George Bush reads it and do not understand, so in order find some help and not to appear dumber than he is, he call his Cabinet at the White House; Donald Rumsfeld on seeing it throw his hands in the air asking why he is asked to decipher - 'you know that I can only see what I want to see, George!' - Colin Powel and the rest take it a little more seriously but whatever amount of thinking they put in, they cannot crack the message. It has to go to CIA, and then down FBI, they called on some cyber-enciphers with various defence industries before considering calling Tony for help with our spooks.
But no one can make sense of it; in desperation it is send to Mossad. At first it circulates amongst 'the best' without luck; but not wanting to appear dumber then anyone else it is circulated around all departments in the organisation and Moshe Nahum, a small peg at almost the bottom of the heap, sees it and said: tell the President that he is reading the message upside down!
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Babies
Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?"
"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.
"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.
"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.
"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling, "I'll climb into your crib and find out."
The baby carefully maneuvered itself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of minutes, it resurfaced with a big grin on its face. "You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.
"You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"
"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've got pink socks and I've got blue ones."
Shame on you - what were you thinking?
"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.
"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.
"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.
"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling, "I'll climb into your crib and find out."
The baby carefully maneuvered itself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of minutes, it resurfaced with a big grin on its face. "You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.
"You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"
"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've got pink socks and I've got blue ones."
Shame on you - what were you thinking?
Monday, October 16, 2006
One Click...
Apparently this is a real-life incident, as told by the buddy of a regular reader of Joke Mail.
There was to be a massive fire-fighting exercise at the naval base camp. Everyone was to treat the drill like a real fire situation.
Soon the alarm went off and soldiers were seen running in every direction. The captain of a team ordered 3 men to run off to the engine house to turn off the gas supply. Being fresh recruits, they said that they may not know how to operate the switch.
"JUST FOLLOW THE INSTRUCTIONS ON THE BUTTON DAMMIT! HOW WRONG CAN YOU GET?! THERE'S ONLY A ONE-CLICK BUTTON IN THE DAMN BOX DAMNIT!" the captain yelled as they scurried off to find the gas supply room.
After 5 mins of searching, they found the gas room with a single switch box right at the end of the room.
They opened the box and stared at each other in shock. As the captain had said, there was really only a single red button with the instructions on it. After much deliberation, they had no choice but to follow the instructions and flee the place.
No one said anything until later that afternoon when they found out from the older guys that the letter "C" had actually fallen off.
With thanks to /77!cH3//3 for this one
There was to be a massive fire-fighting exercise at the naval base camp. Everyone was to treat the drill like a real fire situation.
Soon the alarm went off and soldiers were seen running in every direction. The captain of a team ordered 3 men to run off to the engine house to turn off the gas supply. Being fresh recruits, they said that they may not know how to operate the switch.
"JUST FOLLOW THE INSTRUCTIONS ON THE BUTTON DAMMIT! HOW WRONG CAN YOU GET?! THERE'S ONLY A ONE-CLICK BUTTON IN THE DAMN BOX DAMNIT!" the captain yelled as they scurried off to find the gas supply room.
After 5 mins of searching, they found the gas room with a single switch box right at the end of the room.
They opened the box and stared at each other in shock. As the captain had said, there was really only a single red button with the instructions on it. After much deliberation, they had no choice but to follow the instructions and flee the place.
No one said anything until later that afternoon when they found out from the older guys that the letter "C" had actually fallen off.
With thanks to /77!cH3//3 for this one
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)