My Girlfriend's Friend

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, indeed, and that was my girlfriend's friend. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, and who sometimes flirted with me, which made me feel uncomfortable.

One day, she invited me to come over to discuss something about the wedding. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me that soon I would be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't suppress. So before I got married and committed my life to her best friend, she wanted to make love to me just once.

What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. So, she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me.

In great anticipation I just watched her delicious body as she moved slowly up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door. I opened it, and stepped out of the house.

To my surprise, my girlfriend was standing outside. And with tears in her eyes, she hugged me and said, "I am so in love with you! You have passed my little test. I couldn't ask for a better man to marry."

MORAL OF THE STORY:







ALWAYS KEEP YOUR CONDOMS IN THE CAR

Rejection Letter

The next time you get a rejection letter from a hoped-for employer, just send them the following:

Dear [name of the person who signed the rejection letter],

Thank you for your letter of [date of the rejection letter]. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me [job title].

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite [name of the company that sent you this letter]'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting [applicants/manuscripts], I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time.

Therefore, I will initiate [employment] with your firm immediately following [graduation/job change, etc. -- get creative here]. I look forward to working with you.

Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.

Sincerely,
[your name]

Headaches... and second opinions

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!

Amazingly the Joke Mail blog is 1 year old today! As far back as 365 days ago I posted the first joke from the huge pile in my inbox that friends have sent to me over the years (Je-Liebe-You)

Anyway, enough of the sentimentality and on with the laughter...


Headaches... and second opinions

Joe had been having severe headaches for several years and his wife finally convinced him to see a neurologist.

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that, it will require castration.

"You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles, to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked, and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. But he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years,
but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

He walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person.

He could make a new beginning, and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, that's what I need - a new suit.

He entered the shop, and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly, and said, "let's see - size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "that's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years," the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "how about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment, and then said, "sure."

The salesman eyed Joe, and said, "let's see, 34 sleeves, and 16 1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised, "that's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

He walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "how about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a moment and said, "sure."

The salesman said, "let's see - size 36."

Joe laughed, "ah ha!! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "you can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

New suit - $400

New shirt - $36

New underwear - $6

Second Opinion
PRICELESS

Donor

Redhead

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more.

Then she pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

More Blonde Jokes

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away - Florida or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?????"

-----

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

-----

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie, something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone.

He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone. The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end.

"Hi Susie," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"

Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."

"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

Grandpa

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big tits."

Bumper sticker

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put in on my bumper.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and when he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus.

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach...

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

My grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this religious experience.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

If adverts told the truth (pt 2)

Need a Push

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 a.m. by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband. "It's three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was it ?" asks his wife. "Just a drunken stranger asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"NO, I didn't! It's three in the morning and raining like hell out there!"

"Well you've got a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on holiday and two blokes helped us. I think you should help him."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, goes out into the pounding rain, and calls out into the dark, " Hello, you still there?"

"Yes," comes the answer.

"Do you still want a push," calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on on the swing," the drunk replies.