An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.
"What majestic trees!
What powerful rivers!
What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes.
Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path.
Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.
He tripped and fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.
At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..."
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
It was then that bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying, "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out.
And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke,
"Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful."
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Friday, September 29, 2006
Vampire bragging
Three vampires were on a tree, each bragging about being the best vampire of the three. All of the sudden, Vampire A flew away and came back within 10 seconds. His mouth was so full with fresh blood, excess of the blood were dripping from his mouth.
Vampire A : “You see that house?”
Vampire B : “Ya I saw.”
Vampire C : “Ya I saw.”
Vampire A : “I sucked all their blood.”
Vampire B then flew out of the tree, and came back in 5 seconds. Blood dripped from his mouth too.
Vampire B : “You see that village?”
Vampire A : “Ya I saw.”
Vampire C : “Ya I saw.”
Vampire B : “I sucked all their blood.”
Vampire C then flew out of the tree, and came back in 2 seconds. Blood dripped not only from his mouth too, but was also all over his face.
Vampire C : “You see that tree there?”
Vampire A : “Ya I saw.”
Vampire B : “Ya I saw.”
Vampire C : “I didn’t.”
With thanks to /77!cH3//3 for that one
Vampire A : “You see that house?”
Vampire B : “Ya I saw.”
Vampire C : “Ya I saw.”
Vampire A : “I sucked all their blood.”
Vampire B then flew out of the tree, and came back in 5 seconds. Blood dripped from his mouth too.
Vampire B : “You see that village?”
Vampire A : “Ya I saw.”
Vampire C : “Ya I saw.”
Vampire B : “I sucked all their blood.”
Vampire C then flew out of the tree, and came back in 2 seconds. Blood dripped not only from his mouth too, but was also all over his face.
Vampire C : “You see that tree there?”
Vampire A : “Ya I saw.”
Vampire B : “Ya I saw.”
Vampire C : “I didn’t.”
With thanks to /77!cH3//3 for that one
Thursday, September 28, 2006
The saga of management reviews of reports
Question: How many feet do mice have?
Original reply: Mice have four feet.
Managment comment: Elaborate.
Revision 1: Mice have five appendages, four of which are feet.
Managment comment: No discussion of fifth apendage.
Revision 2: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet and one is tail.
Managment comment: What? Feet without legs?
Revision 3: Mice have four legs, four feet, and one tail per mouse.
Managment comment: Confusing. Is that a total of 9 appendages?
Revision 4: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail per body.
Managment comment: Does not fully discuss the issue.
Revision 5: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each leg is equipped with a foot at the end opposite to the body; the tail is not equipped with a foot.
Managment comment: Descriptive but not decisive.
Revision 6: Allotment for mice will be:
FOUR LEG_FOOT ASSEMBLIES, ONE TAIL.
Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would constitute misappointment of scare appendage assets.
Managment comment: Too authoritative, stifles creativities.
Revision 7: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system. Also attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non functional and ornamental in nature.
Managment comment: Too verbose and scientific. Answer the question.
Final Revision: Mice have four feet.
Managment comment: Approved.
Original reply: Mice have four feet.
Managment comment: Elaborate.
Revision 1: Mice have five appendages, four of which are feet.
Managment comment: No discussion of fifth apendage.
Revision 2: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet and one is tail.
Managment comment: What? Feet without legs?
Revision 3: Mice have four legs, four feet, and one tail per mouse.
Managment comment: Confusing. Is that a total of 9 appendages?
Revision 4: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail per body.
Managment comment: Does not fully discuss the issue.
Revision 5: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each leg is equipped with a foot at the end opposite to the body; the tail is not equipped with a foot.
Managment comment: Descriptive but not decisive.
Revision 6: Allotment for mice will be:
FOUR LEG_FOOT ASSEMBLIES, ONE TAIL.
Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would constitute misappointment of scare appendage assets.
Managment comment: Too authoritative, stifles creativities.
Revision 7: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system. Also attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non functional and ornamental in nature.
Managment comment: Too verbose and scientific. Answer the question.
Final Revision: Mice have four feet.
Managment comment: Approved.
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Men & Marriage
He said - I don't now why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said - You wear pants don't you?
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said - That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa.
He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
On a wall in a ladies room - "My husband follows me everywhere"
Written just below it - " I do not"
Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.
Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.
Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.
Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.
Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and
good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
She said - You wear pants don't you?
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said - That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa.
He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
On a wall in a ladies room - "My husband follows me everywhere"
Written just below it - " I do not"
Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.
Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.
Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.
Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.
Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and
good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Monday, September 25, 2006
Catchphrase
Did you ever used to watch Catchphrase?
Would you have wanted to be the contestant when this picture came up?
Look at the picture first; it should only take you a second to come up with an answer.
Then scroll down for the ‘correct’ answer.
And remember:
Say what you see !!!!
It’s good, but it’s not right…
The correct answer was "Holding down a job", you sick pervert.
Would you have wanted to be the contestant when this picture came up?
Look at the picture first; it should only take you a second to come up with an answer.
Then scroll down for the ‘correct’ answer.
And remember:
Say what you see !!!!
It’s good, but it’s not right…
The correct answer was "Holding down a job", you sick pervert.
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Talking Clock
Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously? asked his astonished friend.
"Yup," replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the 2nd guest asked, squinting at it.
"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "You asshole .... it's ten past three in the morning!"
"What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously? asked his astonished friend.
"Yup," replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the 2nd guest asked, squinting at it.
"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "You asshole .... it's ten past three in the morning!"
Saturday, September 23, 2006
A Touching Story of Love
I found this to be a very touching story about the love shared by an elderly couple as they were preparing for his death. If this story does not touch your heart and make you appreciate all that you and your mate have gone through over the years, nothing will.
Perhaps love does conquer all...
**********
An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of mpending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom,and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite anisette sprinkle cookies.
Was it heaven?
Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted,the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife...
"Back off!" she said, "They're for the funeral."
Perhaps love does conquer all...
**********
An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of mpending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom,and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite anisette sprinkle cookies.
Was it heaven?
Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted,the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife...
"Back off!" she said, "They're for the funeral."
Friday, September 22, 2006
Dear John...
A Marine stationed in Afghanistan received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:
Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love,
Becky
The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies.
There were 57 photos in that envelope .... along with this note:
Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care,
Ricky
Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love,
Becky
The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies.
There were 57 photos in that envelope .... along with this note:
Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care,
Ricky
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Understanding the male
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.
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Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.
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Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
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Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
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Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
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Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).
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Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger? I mean, how the heck could he know where we're going?
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Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay, I don¹t need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
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Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
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Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without - it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
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Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2006, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.
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This has been a public service message for Women, to better understand the male.
----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.
----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
------ ----------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).
----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger? I mean, how the heck could he know where we're going?
----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay, I don¹t need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without - it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2006, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.
----------------------------------------------
This has been a public service message for Women, to better understand the male.
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