Friday, November 25, 2005

The Rules For Men Explained

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the points system:

You make the bed .....+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows .... 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets ....-1
You leave the toilet seat up ....-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when empty ...0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex ....-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom ....-2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings ....+5
in the snow ....+8
but return with beer ....-5
and no liners ....-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night ...0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing .... 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something ....+5
You pummel it with a six iron ....+10
It's her cat ....-40

You stay by her side the entire party ...0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a College drinking buddy ....-2
Named Tiffany ....-4
Tiffany is a dancer ....-10
With breast implants ....-18

You remember her birthday ...0
You buy a card and flowers ....0
You take her out to dinner .... 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar .....+1
Okay, it is a sports bar .....-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night ....-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team ....-10

Go with a pal ....0
The pal is happily married .....+1
The pal is single ....-7
He drives a Ferrari ....-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED) ...-15

You take her to a movie ....+2
You take her to a movie she likes ....+4
You take her to a movie you hate ....+6
You take her to a movie you like ....-2
It's called Death Cop 3 ....-3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans....-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans ....-15

You develop a noticeable pot belly ....-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it .....+10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts .....-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." ....-800

She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You hesitate in responding .....-10
You reply, "Where?" .....-35
You reply, "No, I think it's your ass" .....-100
Any other response ....-20

When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned expression ....0
You listen, for over 30 minutes .....+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience ....+50
You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying "well, what do you think I should do?"....-50
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV ....+100
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep ....-200


Tynna said...

kekekekekeke..OMG.....can I say all these are almost true?... .are'nt men s'pposed to make us happy?
It's all coz men are so dumb sometimes...:D

Kim Ayres said...

Don't you just love sweeping generalisations

LindyK said...

Sweeping generalisations are grand, but I like the math going on here... the poor twats can never get ahead, can they?!

Binty McShae said...

Hey man.... true except for one thing towards the end - "You relate to her problem and share a similar experience ....+50".

If you do this the response is almost always guarranteed to be "Why are you making this about you? Every time I try to tell you how I feel you turn it all back to you again. You're just selfish. It's like no-one can ever be as badly off as you. Etc, etc, etc...".

Definitely a minus 50, not plus. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about.

Kim Ayres said...

lindyk - I think that's the point- we don't stand a chance.

binty mcshae - I find I can't disagree with you on that!

Thanks for visiting the blog. I see binty that you've linked here, so I've just created a link back. Are you interested in swapping links lindyk?