A Bunch of Silly Jokes

So I went to the dentist.
He said "Say Aaah."
I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died.'"


A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"


Guy goes into the doctor's.
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside
"How's that?"
"Don't you start"


"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then"


Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!


What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.


A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."


Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.'
The other says 'Are you sure?'
The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive... '


"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up,and said
'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said
'You are.'"


"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the
local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where
you're calling from.'"


"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip
outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'


So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang
up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And
then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted
again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said
'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman
came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said
'I careered off the road.'


Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one
I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the
dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.'


So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster,
go for it.'


Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other
"your round."
The other one says "so are you, you fat bast**d!"


Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the
other "Does this taste funny to you?"


Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was
drinking battery acid, the other was eating
fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.


"You know, somebody actually complimented me
on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it
said 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice."


A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said " I haven't
seen you in a long time " The man replied "I know I've been ill"


A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt
my arm in several places"
The doctor said "well don't go there any more"


I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.


My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what
can you expect from a cross-breed.


I went to buy some camoflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.


I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a
month for the next 2 years