Saturday, December 10, 2005
Friday, December 09, 2005
Thursday, December 08, 2005
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
Alcohol Consumption- FDA Warnings
Due to increasing products liability litigation, American beer Brewers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead/knees.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead/knees.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Assertive Pensioner
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and upon returning to her car found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice " I have a gun and 1 know how to use it! Get out of the car you scum bags"
The four men did not want a second invitation, but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get in the driver's seat.
She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried and it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.
She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter where four white males were reporting a car hijacking by a mad elderly women described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses and curly white hair carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed
The four men did not want a second invitation, but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get in the driver's seat.
She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried and it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.
She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter where four white males were reporting a car hijacking by a mad elderly women described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses and curly white hair carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed
Monday, December 05, 2005
Hotel Soap
The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London
hotel and one of its guests. The hotel ended up submitting the letters to
the London Sunday Times.
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom
since I have brought my own bath-sized Imperial Leather. Please remove the
six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and
another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank you,
S. Berman
-------------------------------------------
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from Her
day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you
requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top
of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This
leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the
management are to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid
-------------------------------------------
Dear Maid - I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the
little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening, found you had
added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to
be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size
Imperial Leather, so I won't need those 6 little Camays, which are on the
shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove
them.
S. Berman
-------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you
called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I
have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies
for any past inconvenience.
If you have any future complaints, please contact me so I can give it
my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.
Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
--------------------------------------------
Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for
business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the
reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only
asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about! those little Bars of
soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check in
today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet,
along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the Bathroom shelf. In just 5
days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing
this to me?
S. Berman
-------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room
and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call
extension 1108 between 8 PM and 5PM.
Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper
------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Imperial Leather is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from
my room, including my own bath-size Imperial Leather. I came in late last
night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman
------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I
cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are
instructed to leave 3 bars of soap! each time they service a room. The
situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the
inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager
------------------------------------------
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last Night
and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I
want my one damn bar of bath-size Imperial Leather. Do you realise I have
54 bars of soap in here? All I want is my bath-size Imperial Leather.
Please give me back my bath-size Imperial Leather.
S. Berman
-----------! ---------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room, so I had them removed. Then
you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing, so I
personally returned them The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3
Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4
Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had
returned your soaps, so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays.
I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Imperial
Leather. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your
room.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
--------------------------------------------
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As
of today I possess:
On the shelf under the medicine cabinet -18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1
stack of 2 .
On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1stack of 4
hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
On the northeast corner of the tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
On the northwest corner of the tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are
neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4
have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in
use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries.
One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-size Imperial Leather
which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further
misunderstandings.
S. Berman
hotel and one of its guests. The hotel ended up submitting the letters to
the London Sunday Times.
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom
since I have brought my own bath-sized Imperial Leather. Please remove the
six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and
another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank you,
S. Berman
-------------------------------------------
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from Her
day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you
requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top
of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This
leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the
management are to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid
-------------------------------------------
Dear Maid - I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the
little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening, found you had
added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to
be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size
Imperial Leather, so I won't need those 6 little Camays, which are on the
shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove
them.
S. Berman
-------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you
called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I
have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies
for any past inconvenience.
If you have any future complaints, please contact me so I can give it
my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.
Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
--------------------------------------------
Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for
business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the
reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only
asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about! those little Bars of
soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check in
today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet,
along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the Bathroom shelf. In just 5
days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing
this to me?
S. Berman
-------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room
and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call
extension 1108 between 8 PM and 5PM.
Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper
------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Imperial Leather is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from
my room, including my own bath-size Imperial Leather. I came in late last
night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman
------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I
cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are
instructed to leave 3 bars of soap! each time they service a room. The
situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the
inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager
------------------------------------------
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last Night
and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I
want my one damn bar of bath-size Imperial Leather. Do you realise I have
54 bars of soap in here? All I want is my bath-size Imperial Leather.
Please give me back my bath-size Imperial Leather.
S. Berman
-----------! ---------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room, so I had them removed. Then
you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing, so I
personally returned them The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3
Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4
Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had
returned your soaps, so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays.
I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Imperial
Leather. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your
room.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
--------------------------------------------
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As
of today I possess:
On the shelf under the medicine cabinet -18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1
stack of 2 .
On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1stack of 4
hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
On the northeast corner of the tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
On the northwest corner of the tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are
neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4
have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in
use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries.
One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-size Imperial Leather
which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further
misunderstandings.
S. Berman
Sunday, December 04, 2005
Sex Quotes
"What do I know about sex? I'm a married man."
Tom Clancy
"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
Steve Martin
"You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither."
Drew Carey
"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good."
Woody Allen
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
Unknown
"If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all."
Rodney Dangerfield
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
Woody Allen
"I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty."
George Burns
"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
Matt Barry
"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."
Camille Paglia
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
George Burns
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
Henry Miller
"The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision."
Lynn Lavner
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible."
P. J. ORourke
Tom Clancy
"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
Steve Martin
"You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither."
Drew Carey
"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good."
Woody Allen
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
Unknown
"If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all."
Rodney Dangerfield
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
Woody Allen
"I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty."
George Burns
"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
Matt Barry
"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."
Camille Paglia
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
George Burns
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
Henry Miller
"The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision."
Lynn Lavner
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible."
P. J. ORourke
Saturday, December 03, 2005
Community Networker
Anyone who has had anything to do with community groups will identify with this one!
JOB DESCRIPTION
We are seeking an experienced networker to join our high tech task force out there in cyberspace.
You will be able to work as part of a virtual team and be supplied with a virtual budget, a virtual desk and a virtual phone.
You will be able to work on your own initiative and invent things to do.
We expect you to spend the majority of your time linking in with other networks and needlessly filling in other people's e-mail in-trays with your useless suggestions and half baked schemes.
SKILLS AND ABILITIES
1. High levels of enthusiasm matched with low levels of frustration
2. Good overview of IT and where it can go
3. Low expectations of actually getting there
4. Ability to discuss the same plans endlessly
5. Ability to take full force kicks in the teeth
6. Healthy scepticism about the digital inclusion "agenda"
SALARY - paid through barter with other community networks
HOURS OF WORK - between browsing episodes
CONTACTS - the world and his aunty
REPORTING TO - anyone that will listen
SPECIAL CONDITIONS - Bring your own coffee
JOB DESCRIPTION
We are seeking an experienced networker to join our high tech task force out there in cyberspace.
You will be able to work as part of a virtual team and be supplied with a virtual budget, a virtual desk and a virtual phone.
You will be able to work on your own initiative and invent things to do.
We expect you to spend the majority of your time linking in with other networks and needlessly filling in other people's e-mail in-trays with your useless suggestions and half baked schemes.
SKILLS AND ABILITIES
1. High levels of enthusiasm matched with low levels of frustration
2. Good overview of IT and where it can go
3. Low expectations of actually getting there
4. Ability to discuss the same plans endlessly
5. Ability to take full force kicks in the teeth
6. Healthy scepticism about the digital inclusion "agenda"
SALARY - paid through barter with other community networks
HOURS OF WORK - between browsing episodes
CONTACTS - the world and his aunty
REPORTING TO - anyone that will listen
SPECIAL CONDITIONS - Bring your own coffee
Friday, December 02, 2005
Bitter Wedding
Below is an apparently true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.
After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming (many from long distances), to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception.
To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. So, taped to the bottom of everyone's chair including the wedding party was a manila envelope. He said that this was his gift to everyone, and told them all to open the envelopes.
Inside each envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. He had got suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding.
After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said "Screw you,". Then he turned to the bride and said "Screw you." Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm out of here."
He had the marriage annulled first thing the following Monday.
While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway as if nothing was wrong.
His revenge?
Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for 300 guests at the wedding and reception, letting everyone know exactly what did happen, and, best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends, their entire families, i.e. their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, nieces and nephews, etc.
This guy has balls the size of church bells.
This is his world; we just live in it.
After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming (many from long distances), to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception.
To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. So, taped to the bottom of everyone's chair including the wedding party was a manila envelope. He said that this was his gift to everyone, and told them all to open the envelopes.
Inside each envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. He had got suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding.
After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said "Screw you,". Then he turned to the bride and said "Screw you." Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm out of here."
He had the marriage annulled first thing the following Monday.
While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway as if nothing was wrong.
His revenge?
Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for 300 guests at the wedding and reception, letting everyone know exactly what did happen, and, best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends, their entire families, i.e. their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, nieces and nephews, etc.
This guy has balls the size of church bells.
This is his world; we just live in it.
Thursday, December 01, 2005
Blame it On The Dog
This is the 100th Joke Mail posting. I thought I'd celebrate by putting up another of my all time favourites!
A man and his wife have their high society friends round for dinner. They are all sitting at the table, when the man uncontrollably breaks wind, and a foul odour rises up and spreads through the room.
"Rover!" shouts his wife, "Get out from under the table!"
The man inwardly lets out a sigh or relief. "Thank God she's blamed the dog," he thinks. "I'd better make sure he stays there in case I let out another". And with that, the man slips Rover a piece of meat from his plate.
However, before the main course is finished, the man lets out another ripper.
"ROVER!" yells the wife, "Get out of there right now!"
Smiling to himself, the man slips the dog another piece of meat.
As they all begin to tuck into desert, the man feels a huge one building up, but feeling the dog sitting at his ankles, he doesn't hold back and the most tremendous fart is let loose.
"ROVER!" screams the wife, "Get out from under there before he shits on you!"
A man and his wife have their high society friends round for dinner. They are all sitting at the table, when the man uncontrollably breaks wind, and a foul odour rises up and spreads through the room.
"Rover!" shouts his wife, "Get out from under the table!"
The man inwardly lets out a sigh or relief. "Thank God she's blamed the dog," he thinks. "I'd better make sure he stays there in case I let out another". And with that, the man slips Rover a piece of meat from his plate.
However, before the main course is finished, the man lets out another ripper.
"ROVER!" yells the wife, "Get out of there right now!"
Smiling to himself, the man slips the dog another piece of meat.
As they all begin to tuck into desert, the man feels a huge one building up, but feeling the dog sitting at his ankles, he doesn't hold back and the most tremendous fart is let loose.
"ROVER!" screams the wife, "Get out from under there before he shits on you!"
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